For This I Am Thankful...

In true Thanksgiving fashion, I'm here to write about what I'm thankful for this year. There's a lot of ugly out in the world right now, so I feel like this is more important than ever. Important to take stock. 

I used to be the person who layed awake at night & worried over so much. I would think of all the things I needed to do the next day, then all the goals I still need to accomplish, then I'd wonder if I was enough. Enough to get where I wanted to be, enough to make people happy, enough to be the person everyone seems to think I am. I'd worry over things I cannot control; things completely out of my hands. 

But this year, I just let go. 

I accepted that sometimes the wind isn't going to blow my way. Sometimes I'm going to have to adjust my sail. 

 That's not to say, I don't lay my head down with the weight of the world still resting on my shiulders. But, let's just say it's considsrably less often. 

I'm thankful for that inner quiet that whispers more than it screams. 

I'm thankful that I grew in friendship & in family this year. I feel as though the stars have aligned in some way; I have a fantastic group of people I call my friends. They're people who really get me, and even when they don't they just smile & nod. 

The last bit is a twofer. 

My best friend, my husband. There are no words that truley express how thankful I am for you. You are not so much the air I breathe, but the breeze that catches my feet to raise me up. You arr not so much my reason to smile, but my laugh just as it reaches joy. I am in awe of you every day. I love you. 

It is because of you I am most thankful for the little burst of sunshine I finally got to warm in. I am so thankful that I met my stepson. He gave me a jolt of energy & arenewed  sense of purpose & self. I've lived him from behind the scenes, but it was really inspiring to step in front of the curtain. 

And for this I am thankful.  

Somehow The World Feels A Little Bigger

I'm laying here in bed, the first gray light of the day is beginning to peek through the windows. My husband's breathing is slow & rhythmic as he sleeps. And I can hear tiny little snores just next to him. 

The first night went by without an issue. He wanted to cry for mommy only once, but Daddy stepped in & told him it was okay & hugged him. There is something very moving in his interaction with his son; I am touched & falling even more on love. 

My stepson opened right up to me. Let me hold him immediately & talked to me about Thomas the Train. We played hide & seek, I read him a book, he got to eat icecream & then we watched Thomas while he got comfy. I know this is just the beginning & I can feel him still just a bit cautious. But I'm so thankful to even have the opportunity to sit in the same room with him, that I could cry. 

The world feels bigger when there's a toddler around. Everything has a freshness/ a newness about it. Being with him & my husband only solidifies my want of a family. 

I can't wait to show him more of our world. I can't wait to see what today has in store. And it's been a while that I've felt renewed.

Today Is The Day...

Dear Abel,

You are three and a half, and today is the day I get to meet you for the first time. Today is the first day of a week long visit with your Dad and I. 

I've been nervous for weeks. Today, I'm not nervous or anxious, but I am a flood of emotion since your dad left to get you. 

I've known you since before you ever felt the sun on your face. Still, I don't know if you know me, or know of me, or who I am to your dad, to you. Maybe, that doesn't matter because you will know me soon. 

It's funny, I have had instant love for you since I saw your newborn photo. You will always be the first thing I loved without knowing anything about you. 

I knew that your Dad was my other half then. I knew no matter what happened between us romantically, that I would always know him & would always know you. From that moment forward, I loved you like you were my own child; you are just as much a part of me as your Dad is. 

The circumstances are not ideal, and they have taught me patience, selflessness and perseverance. You are worth every sleepless night, every argument, every penny spent and every deep breath we took to keep the peace. 

I am so overcome with joy, relief and excitement for this day. I'm so thankful to your mommy for allowing this visit. 

Today is the day. 

Today is just the first day and I can't wait. 

Always. 

-Stephanie

Give Up My Ghost

On November 13th in some other dimension where you and I are still together, we would've celebrated 2 years. I didn't even recognize the date had passed until today as I was driving home from a perfect weekend.

I used to think of you often when I was alone. Wonder what you were doing, and if you were happy. Maybe you're thinking of me and wondering the same things. But this week you've made at least 3 appearances in my dreams. Completely non-sexual ways. But you were there. So I felt this coming. I log into Facebook tonight and what do I see but that fucking "poke". The dumbest tool on the Internet.

This is the proverbial "Have you seen my shaving cream?" months-after-moving-out-on-you-call. I think you've been stalking my Facebook for a while, and I've recently went private so you can't see what's up in my life any more. Maybe that's why you did it. Or maybe you can actually sense when I'm happy; when I'm moving forward; when I'm putting you behind me.

Regardless, as much as I wanted to "poke" you back. I didn't. I ignored it. You threw me away as your girlfriend in February, but you threw me away as your best friend in August. You need to leave me in the past too. I meant what I said when I told you I'd never forget you, and that I'd always love you.

I've let you go. Now, you need to let me go.

I Just Keep Seeing You Seeing Me...

I can't believe it's really only Wednesday. Well, it's about to be Thursday in about fifteen minutes, or roughly the time I get this blog completed. Regardless, it should be later in the week, like say.... FRIDAY?

I hope no cops read this because I'm about to confess an illegal activity:
I've been driving around with an expired license for 4 days.
So I've decided I'm going to go down on Friday, and take care of that. I feel like I can really only press my luck until payday. Seems only fair.

In exploring these new emotions I'm having recently, I've discovered that not only do I have a new perspective in which I'm seeing everything; I've also gained some new insecurities that I'm not proud of and that have proven kind of difficult to beat down. Don't get me wrong, I still feel great. It's as if everything I ever felt before has been enhanced some how. I guess even the air smells different. Like dead leaves really. But let's get poetic and metaphorical. We can say those dead leaves represent things I left behind, and pieces of a skin I finally shed completely. Yes, I'm now a snake.

I've discovered that I've got a pretty dark fear of being left behind, of being forgotten, of being ignored. Because of this, I continue to try and keep Dirty South within an arm's distance. Emotionally, anyway. He seems incredibly incredible. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm awesomely awesome. He calls me "darlin", "pumpkin", "sweetheart", "baby", and the anatomically improbably but adorably endearing "bee's knees" all in this devilishly sexy southern accent. Damn you Rhett Butler. He's also smart, funny, strong, courageous, and with just a touch of vulnerability that draws me in like the soft glow of something shiny. Did I mention is so easy on the eyes that sometimes I just find myself staring at him and the teeniest bit of drool creeps out of the corner of my mouth? Because yeah...that happens. It's a fact. I'm a smitten kitten. But there's still that next level that is waiting to be unlocked. And I could fall.

I could fall really hard. I've learned that in order to fall, you have to be okay with skinning your knees, or possibly obtaining some sort of broken bone or brain injury. I've slowly moved from traction, to wheel chair, to crutches, to ace bandages, to band-aids. Now I've taken the band-aids off but there are certain areas that are still a bit scabby and I'm trying not to pick them even though it itches. When I take the next few steps in this journey, it's going to decide a few things:
1. "Seeing each other" will be kicked up a notch. Or to use a kitchen reference, the burner is going to be turned up on our kettle.
2. I'm going to get way more emotionally invested, which means living a fair distance away will suck even harder. I'll have to be ready for lonelier nights.
3. I'm ready to accept what lies ahead be it good, bad, ugly, awesome, terrible, stupid, what have you. That's kind of a big deal.

 Perhaps I should wear a helmet?
---Naaaah. Nobody looks cool in a helmet.


 I've only been 29 for 4 days, and I got to say (like I say every year) this will be my year.

I Love You Blogger, Let's Start Over...

Ok so Tumblr is getting on my nerves. You log on and think one of your profound blogs has gotten "liked" or "reblogged" 90 times and then it turns out it's a sex spam thing that just wants you to click on it, and make others click on it. Frankly my dear, I'm over it.
 Unfortunately, I've not kept my Blogger updated with the happenings of my life because of my recent addiction to Tumblr.  So what I'd like to do today, so provide links here to keep you updated on the goings-on. Because much has happened since June. Sad times, heartache, fun times, stupid times, good times, rants and raves and perhaps something awesome on the horizon. Here is the link to my archive on Tumblr, I've probably made over 500 posts since June...so have fun with that:
http://ewoknwoll.tumblr.com/archive

If possible I'm going to just try and update both of these. I do have a few kids on Tumblr who actually do follow my blog and look forward to me posting things, and I don't want to disappoint. (Most of them are teenage girls...and they're adorably emo)

That's right Blogger.. I could never leave you. Frankly, I prefer for Morgan Freeman to read my thoughts anyway.

Love,
Stephanie

Things Are Lookin' Up. Oh Finally, I Thought I'd Never See The Day When You'd Smile At Me

Originally Posted to Tumblr on 6/21:

2 days in a row my lips got to touch yours again. My face might erode from so many smiles. I can’t tell you the kind of fire it sends through me, or just how weak in the knees you make me.
Let’s conquer the world, one more time.

Unsinkable Ships (orig posted to Tumblr 6/20)

Dear _______,
You’ll never see this but it doesn’t matter because you already know how I feel. Unfortunately, (at times it’s been unfortunate) my heart could never turn the switch to the off position for you. And luckily, yours seems to have been seeking mine out this whole time too.
To even spend the time with you that I did yesterday means the world to me. I feel invincible again. I missed that. I missed you. Of course everything was painfully familiar but at the same time it was beautiful.
My head isn’t quite wrapped around it yet, which is why everything is coming out all unorganized here. When you took me in your arms and kissed me, it was just like the first time. I couldve been knocked over with a feather. I don’t know what we’re doing, or if this is the re-boot of me and you 2.0 but I don’t care. I love how my heart flutters writing this, and I love that my face hurts from smiling.
The world could implode and I’d be ok just because I know that we had what we did, and there’s even a small possibility of having it all.
Yours, then, now and always,
-Me