An Open Letter To You

I know you will most likely never see this. I don't know if you would even want to read it. But I need to get this out there in the world, so it can stop filling me up.

Thank you.

I know you are not in my fan club, and you never will be. It took me a little while to be okay with that. I'm someone who hates it when someone doesn't like her. But I've grown in mind, body and spirit and have come to realize that it's okay. I've come to understand your anger, and the bad taste I've left in your mouth. Nothing I can say or do will ever convince you otherwise, but I promise this was all a timing issue.
I'm sorry that I hurt you, that was never my intention.

Thank you.

It's important for me to let you know how grateful I am to you today. Despite your feelings for me, and the circumstances you are putting differences aside. I'm thankful that you are allowing this relationship to happen and you helped to make it happen.

Thank you.

While I don't want to pretend to know how you are feeling, I can imagine it's probably fear. Fear because I know it's not easy to let go. I know it's not easy to move forward. It's fucking terrifying. I want to let you know, he will be okay. Not only will he be with his father who loves him, would and has moved mountains for him, would dive in front of a bullet for him... but so would I.

I will never ever take your place, nor do I want to. You are, and will always be Mommy.

Thank you.


Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of his life.

From the bottom of my heart,
-Stephanie-

Today Is The Day...

Dear Abel,

You are three and a half, and today is the day I get to meet you for the first time. Today is the first day of a week long visit with your Dad and I. 

I've been nervous for weeks. Today, I'm not nervous or anxious, but I am a flood of emotion since your dad left to get you. 

I've known you since before you ever felt the sun on your face. Still, I don't know if you know me, or know of me, or who I am to your dad, to you. Maybe, that doesn't matter because you will know me soon. 

It's funny, I have had instant love for you since I saw your newborn photo. You will always be the first thing I loved without knowing anything about you. 

I knew that your Dad was my other half then. I knew no matter what happened between us romantically, that I would always know him & would always know you. From that moment forward, I loved you like you were my own child; you are just as much a part of me as your Dad is. 

The circumstances are not ideal, and they have taught me patience, selflessness and perseverance. You are worth every sleepless night, every argument, every penny spent and every deep breath we took to keep the peace. 

I am so overcome with joy, relief and excitement for this day. I'm so thankful to your mommy for allowing this visit. 

Today is the day. 

Today is just the first day and I can't wait. 

Always. 

-Stephanie