So Today Was Nice

We were pretty much punched in the face by our landlord. He texted me saying he and his wife are moving back from Vegas to this house we are currently living in. So we have to find a new place to live no later than February 2nd. Goodbye, air in my lungs. So long best-laid plans for an awesome 2016. 

I don’t want a pity party, and I don’t want to be a Deborah here… but I had a solid plan in place for this year. We were gonna save money for a down payment on a home of our own, and it was for real gonna happen! Now, that feels like it’s all shot to shit. It’s looking like buying a home of our own and everything that goes with that will be just out of reach yet again. And yet again, it feels like the things I want are blowing away with the winds of change. I really don't ask for much.  

We’re going to have to move and everywhere that’s decent that will take us plus our dogs, is going to be at least $100-$200 more expensive every month in just the rent alone. That terrifies the shit out of me. I've gotten comfortable in the budget we've made for ourselves in the last 3 years. Comfortability is overrated. Just an illusion. I really don't want to be this bitter sounding or woe is me... because it shouldn't be that. 

I held it mostly together until Mike went to bed… but I just bawled my eyes out. Ugly sobs, snot, and hitching breaths. At this moment, I’m so disappointed in life…but mostly I'm disappointed in myself. I want to be just a couple steps further, and it seems that just when I get my footing, I slip backwards.

This one really caught me for a loop. I've been very good at just trying to take things as they come, and not worry over things that don't even exist. Maybe if I would've been more aware, I could've saw this coming and been more prepared. I honestly thought we'd have at least another year in this house. Plenty of time for us to save for what we really want.

It feels like I've let my little family down. That hurts. I just want the best for us. I want to provide a good and safe place for Abel to come to, I want a warm home that's full of the things that are us and we get to keep those things...that's where we store our memories. I want to start a family of my own...and I can't even get my own life right. Maybe I'm ahead of myself... ? I just don't want to feel like I'm so far behind. I feel like I deserve more than I get. But I guess everyone feels like that. 

My eyes are all burny and tired… but my mind is on fire and going 100 miles a minute. 

I’m so scared. I haven’t been this scared in a while. 
I know it’ll be okay, because we’re going to face it and get over it together. But right now, I just want to be able to feel like there’s something underneath me other than air. Right now, I've got no place to call home and I don't like that feeling. 

Somehow The World Feels A Little Bigger

I'm laying here in bed, the first gray light of the day is beginning to peek through the windows. My husband's breathing is slow & rhythmic as he sleeps. And I can hear tiny little snores just next to him. 

The first night went by without an issue. He wanted to cry for mommy only once, but Daddy stepped in & told him it was okay & hugged him. There is something very moving in his interaction with his son; I am touched & falling even more on love. 

My stepson opened right up to me. Let me hold him immediately & talked to me about Thomas the Train. We played hide & seek, I read him a book, he got to eat icecream & then we watched Thomas while he got comfy. I know this is just the beginning & I can feel him still just a bit cautious. But I'm so thankful to even have the opportunity to sit in the same room with him, that I could cry. 

The world feels bigger when there's a toddler around. Everything has a freshness/ a newness about it. Being with him & my husband only solidifies my want of a family. 

I can't wait to show him more of our world. I can't wait to see what today has in store. And it's been a while that I've felt renewed.

Today Is The Day...

Dear Abel,

You are three and a half, and today is the day I get to meet you for the first time. Today is the first day of a week long visit with your Dad and I. 

I've been nervous for weeks. Today, I'm not nervous or anxious, but I am a flood of emotion since your dad left to get you. 

I've known you since before you ever felt the sun on your face. Still, I don't know if you know me, or know of me, or who I am to your dad, to you. Maybe, that doesn't matter because you will know me soon. 

It's funny, I have had instant love for you since I saw your newborn photo. You will always be the first thing I loved without knowing anything about you. 

I knew that your Dad was my other half then. I knew no matter what happened between us romantically, that I would always know him & would always know you. From that moment forward, I loved you like you were my own child; you are just as much a part of me as your Dad is. 

The circumstances are not ideal, and they have taught me patience, selflessness and perseverance. You are worth every sleepless night, every argument, every penny spent and every deep breath we took to keep the peace. 

I am so overcome with joy, relief and excitement for this day. I'm so thankful to your mommy for allowing this visit. 

Today is the day. 

Today is just the first day and I can't wait. 

Always. 

-Stephanie