So Today Was Nice

We were pretty much punched in the face by our landlord. He texted me saying he and his wife are moving back from Vegas to this house we are currently living in. So we have to find a new place to live no later than February 2nd. Goodbye, air in my lungs. So long best-laid plans for an awesome 2016. 

I don’t want a pity party, and I don’t want to be a Deborah here… but I had a solid plan in place for this year. We were gonna save money for a down payment on a home of our own, and it was for real gonna happen! Now, that feels like it’s all shot to shit. It’s looking like buying a home of our own and everything that goes with that will be just out of reach yet again. And yet again, it feels like the things I want are blowing away with the winds of change. I really don't ask for much.  

We’re going to have to move and everywhere that’s decent that will take us plus our dogs, is going to be at least $100-$200 more expensive every month in just the rent alone. That terrifies the shit out of me. I've gotten comfortable in the budget we've made for ourselves in the last 3 years. Comfortability is overrated. Just an illusion. I really don't want to be this bitter sounding or woe is me... because it shouldn't be that. 

I held it mostly together until Mike went to bed… but I just bawled my eyes out. Ugly sobs, snot, and hitching breaths. At this moment, I’m so disappointed in life…but mostly I'm disappointed in myself. I want to be just a couple steps further, and it seems that just when I get my footing, I slip backwards.

This one really caught me for a loop. I've been very good at just trying to take things as they come, and not worry over things that don't even exist. Maybe if I would've been more aware, I could've saw this coming and been more prepared. I honestly thought we'd have at least another year in this house. Plenty of time for us to save for what we really want.

It feels like I've let my little family down. That hurts. I just want the best for us. I want to provide a good and safe place for Abel to come to, I want a warm home that's full of the things that are us and we get to keep those things...that's where we store our memories. I want to start a family of my own...and I can't even get my own life right. Maybe I'm ahead of myself... ? I just don't want to feel like I'm so far behind. I feel like I deserve more than I get. But I guess everyone feels like that. 

My eyes are all burny and tired… but my mind is on fire and going 100 miles a minute. 

I’m so scared. I haven’t been this scared in a while. 
I know it’ll be okay, because we’re going to face it and get over it together. But right now, I just want to be able to feel like there’s something underneath me other than air. Right now, I've got no place to call home and I don't like that feeling. 

For This I Am Thankful...

In true Thanksgiving fashion, I'm here to write about what I'm thankful for this year. There's a lot of ugly out in the world right now, so I feel like this is more important than ever. Important to take stock. 

I used to be the person who layed awake at night & worried over so much. I would think of all the things I needed to do the next day, then all the goals I still need to accomplish, then I'd wonder if I was enough. Enough to get where I wanted to be, enough to make people happy, enough to be the person everyone seems to think I am. I'd worry over things I cannot control; things completely out of my hands. 

But this year, I just let go. 

I accepted that sometimes the wind isn't going to blow my way. Sometimes I'm going to have to adjust my sail. 

 That's not to say, I don't lay my head down with the weight of the world still resting on my shiulders. But, let's just say it's considsrably less often. 

I'm thankful for that inner quiet that whispers more than it screams. 

I'm thankful that I grew in friendship & in family this year. I feel as though the stars have aligned in some way; I have a fantastic group of people I call my friends. They're people who really get me, and even when they don't they just smile & nod. 

The last bit is a twofer. 

My best friend, my husband. There are no words that truley express how thankful I am for you. You are not so much the air I breathe, but the breeze that catches my feet to raise me up. You arr not so much my reason to smile, but my laugh just as it reaches joy. I am in awe of you every day. I love you. 

It is because of you I am most thankful for the little burst of sunshine I finally got to warm in. I am so thankful that I met my stepson. He gave me a jolt of energy & arenewed  sense of purpose & self. I've lived him from behind the scenes, but it was really inspiring to step in front of the curtain. 

And for this I am thankful.  

Today You Travel Back To The Sun...

I fought sleep until I lost last night. I so badly did not want today to come. This has been the fastest 7 days of my life. I can't imagine how your Daddy feels. 

You are his little cub & it's been so great to see him with you. It's been nice to see a different kind of love in his eyes & hear the gentle breeze in his voice. I hope one day you see how much he loves you. 

You have become my best friend in just a few days. I love the way you laugh & the sound of your whispers in the morning. I feel so renewed, because you make me see the world differently. Thank you. 

I didn't expect to take your leaving so hard. My stomach feels empty & my heart is missing a little piece already. I was so sure I could be strong because I knew (even though he didn't) that you having to go back home would break his heart. 

I know we will see you again and even though it won't be soon enough, I'm going to carry that with me today. I have to hold it together because I know Daddy is going to want to fall apart, and he's allowed. 

I'm going to get right to work on your scrapbook for your trip this week. I want you to have all these pictures & things from the places we've been, because one day they won't be able to still fit in your head. We will, you will make new memories with us. 

We will move mountains for you little man. 

Somehow The World Feels A Little Bigger

I'm laying here in bed, the first gray light of the day is beginning to peek through the windows. My husband's breathing is slow & rhythmic as he sleeps. And I can hear tiny little snores just next to him. 

The first night went by without an issue. He wanted to cry for mommy only once, but Daddy stepped in & told him it was okay & hugged him. There is something very moving in his interaction with his son; I am touched & falling even more on love. 

My stepson opened right up to me. Let me hold him immediately & talked to me about Thomas the Train. We played hide & seek, I read him a book, he got to eat icecream & then we watched Thomas while he got comfy. I know this is just the beginning & I can feel him still just a bit cautious. But I'm so thankful to even have the opportunity to sit in the same room with him, that I could cry. 

The world feels bigger when there's a toddler around. Everything has a freshness/ a newness about it. Being with him & my husband only solidifies my want of a family. 

I can't wait to show him more of our world. I can't wait to see what today has in store. And it's been a while that I've felt renewed.

Today Is The Day...

Dear Abel,

You are three and a half, and today is the day I get to meet you for the first time. Today is the first day of a week long visit with your Dad and I. 

I've been nervous for weeks. Today, I'm not nervous or anxious, but I am a flood of emotion since your dad left to get you. 

I've known you since before you ever felt the sun on your face. Still, I don't know if you know me, or know of me, or who I am to your dad, to you. Maybe, that doesn't matter because you will know me soon. 

It's funny, I have had instant love for you since I saw your newborn photo. You will always be the first thing I loved without knowing anything about you. 

I knew that your Dad was my other half then. I knew no matter what happened between us romantically, that I would always know him & would always know you. From that moment forward, I loved you like you were my own child; you are just as much a part of me as your Dad is. 

The circumstances are not ideal, and they have taught me patience, selflessness and perseverance. You are worth every sleepless night, every argument, every penny spent and every deep breath we took to keep the peace. 

I am so overcome with joy, relief and excitement for this day. I'm so thankful to your mommy for allowing this visit. 

Today is the day. 

Today is just the first day and I can't wait. 

Always. 

-Stephanie

Prettier, Older, Wiser and I Want Some Chips...

I am one year older now. Again, like with any birthday. I feel no different. I wonder if there is a certain age you hit where you wake up the next day and you feel that old. You feel that age. I guess maybe if you're lucky enough to live to be really old, and you just die peacefully in your sleep. I guess maybe that moment is the one where you actually feel how old you are.

I'll let you know, when I make it there.

The start of my birthday actually started off with a decent day at work. Lots of laughter and "29? Really?!" conversation. The work day ended with amazing card from every one at work. It was signed by everybody, and not just simple signatures and "happy birthday" messages, many of them wrote some personalized tidings and that made me feel like a million bucks. I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from this company, or "the firm" as my boss and I have referred to it as. I don't want to ever move on from it. I think it's a perfect niche. Speaking of perfect. Friday night was also perfect. I had an amazing night with a pretty amazing guy, let's call him Dirty South, as I've been calling him that for weeks now any way.

He decided that we should do something/go somewhere neither one of us had been. That way the memory we make together is more special. (if that ain't the sweetest thing I ever heard...) So we went to Dead Acres AKA The Haunted Hoochie. Haunted house attractions, corn mazes, leaves changing, that eerie feeling that surrounds you at night, the cool breezes, these are the reasons that autumn is always welcome to come around for me. My favorite parts of fall. The haunted house is set off in what appears to be a farm. It's complete with barns, silos, split rail fencing, the whole nine. It's been voted number one haunted attraction on Yahoo and I think I read that it's been on Travel Channel. After looking at the website I was excited, but once I picked up Dirty South, I must admit I was super excited.

For some reason, that I haven't figured out yet, he makes me an idiot. I have a hard time formulating words at certain points when we're together...hell, even when we're on the phone. I am not only blown away by the excellent bone structure and body, shiny eyes, perfect mouth, and adorable accent, I am taken aback by the genuine personality, intelligence, courage, and humor that falls out this man. Any amount of time I spend just talking to him is something I look forward to, but any moment I get to spend with him is seriously a gift from the universe. So yeah... I'm Smitten with a capital S. I look forward to seeing what else we have in store for each other, and where our paths will lead us. I enjoy him very much. Just writing this lil paragraph actually makes me smile.

After a long late night out haunted housing and hanging out, I got home bright and early... 6 am. I had to turn around and wake up at 8-ish so that I could spend the day at the local amusement park with my friend, and also my aunt and cousin wound up coming too...saved us $12 for parking. Woot. Needless to say, I napped for about an hourish and woke up and spent an awesome day riding roller coasters, people watching and eating over priced pretzels and drinking expensive fountain coca-cola. I always spend my birthdays with my family, it's a tradition. My grandma has a little birthday party complete with cake and family. It's a very warm place to be, and it will forever make me feel like I'm turning 9 instead of 29. By 9 o clock though, I was wearing thin, and slap happy came into play. I got a ukulele for my birthday that I began to play like some sort of punk rock legend...out of tune and all.... I boxed with my teenage boy cousin...we boxed like the old timey boxers and then just wound up slapping each other like girls. I listened to my grandparents tell stories around a backyard campfire, and my uncle told some of his own. It was a great night.

By 10 pm, I was pretty much dead to the world. I could drift off without saying good night to Dirty South, so I did and that was it... my day was done. Boom. Out like a light. I slept for 11 hours! I don't think I even moved. Today, I'm just laying around reflecting, looking for a house, and re-budgeting. Yay.

That's birthday weekend update, and I'm Stephanie.
Deuces.