And Then There Was Sunday...

Now comes the part of my Tumblr where I actually write stuff about things. I sort of made this silly promise to myself that I would write more and while I enjoy writing, I’ve discovered (in reading past blogs) that I do my best (and most consistent) of it when I’m heart-broken. I found this thought rather sad and very UN-customary (is that a word? eh, fuck it. it is now) of the person I really am. So to honor myself, and the little emotional girl who lives inside of me, I will do more of the writing about good things, and day-to-day and the stupid, silly things I do, say or see. Because, quite frankly, that’s me. I’m not that silly girl who gets her heart broken every six months.
Well… ok, maybe that girl lives inside of me too. But hopefully she’ll move out soon.
————
As much as I look forward to long weekends, I secretly loathe them. Those extra days only give Father Time a few extra punches in my head that force me to think about things like feelings, and futures. Or it gives him space to usher in more surprise attacks from pesky weeds that continue to try and ruin my new garden I’m trying to cultivate. This weekend was one of those weekends.

You know, I did the same thing you did this Thursday (well if you’re in the U.S.) I spent long overdue time with my family. Everything was cool, and great at first but after about the first 10 minutes I began to get that urge to drive the fork I was eating turkey with through my eye socket. I tried to calm the beast inside of me with shopping, and it worked. I got a killer deal on a Playstation 3 from Amazon. The console (complete with 160gb hard drive), an extra controller, and 2 games (Little Big Planet and some Ratchet and Clank game) all for the cool price of $199, and a shout out to Amazon for the free shipping. So that left me with a feeling of euphoria for the rest of my Thursday. I mean, I got an awesome deal, and I didn’t even have to put shoes on. Or get pepper-sprayed. All and all I’d say…SCORE.

Friday was basically lame. I did nothing all day but watch marathons of various shows on tv and I braved the crowds to buy Captain America on Blu-Ray (for my new PS3 of course) for like $10 on a Black Friday sale. I must say, I’m mildly obsessed with Black Friday shopping. Not for the deals as I generally HATE shopping but for the people. People get fucking retarded for Black Friday and I love it. It’s like I can finally get a glimpse of what it must’ve been like during caveman-times, or what the madness will be like when the initial zombie apocalypse finally does happen and hordes and hordes of people panic. I take a gigantic gulp of air into my nostrils and say things like, “AHHH the smell of commerce!” (Mallrats reference in case you’re playing along at home).

Saturday will forever be known as Dirty South day. He consumes my Saturdays and every other one of my Sundays. Words can’t really express what sort of feelings I’m having and/or developing for him. I think I’ve mentioned it before in previous blogs but being with him is sort of like walking for the first time. I feel like a baby deer. I’m all wobbly and disoriented.

——————TANGENT ALERT———————

This entire process in the getting to know and developing a relationship has all felt very strange, but I mean strange in a good way. I’m very much consciously aware of all of my limbs, my organs and the words coming out of my mouth and everything is seemingly in control. My heart and my brain and learning to work together like they’ve never done before.                                                         
Honestly, before I shed this new skin I would’ve already been head over heels in love with this poor boy. I knew I couldn’t do that this time. I owe it to myself not to fall too hard, too fast. His heart is an open wound right now, and mine is just beginning to have the crime scene tape removed from around it.                      I’ve got this white knight syndrome thing I’ve discovered, or rather was pointed out to me by an unlikely source, and I’ve really studied it and broke down my relationships because of it. I seek out those that need fixing. And I desperately try to fix them. Somewhere in this head, I think that if I just love them enough, or care for them enough that they will somehow wake up from the haze they’ve been living in and see that the world isn’t such a cold place. Ya know, like a movie. What I’ve discovered is that life isn’t a movie. (I know, right? DUUUHHH.) Usually all that happens in real life is that you’re left with the decision of “Can I continue to give myself up like this without anything in return?” or “Do I want to spend the next 50-60 years of my life this way?” in the long-run, you know it’s best to bow out, to walk away. Or crawl as I’ve done. You’re left with emptiness. I made an effort to look at myself and realize that this is what I was doing. Shooting myself in the mother-fucking foot.
Maybe I don’t really need to fix someone, maybe I can just find a guy who is broken, but doesn’t need me to fix him. He just wants me to be there to see that he can fix himself.
I’m hoping that maybe I’ve found him. He’s just this beautiful boy who is starting over and he doesn’t even see how bright he shines. Actually I don’t think either one of us thinks the other sees how much we light up the night. Perhaps, we can learn to be supernovas together?

————END TANGENT—————

Back to Saturday. Saturday was great, except for the appearance of a weed in my garden. My ex, let’s refer to him as the D-Factor, randomly text me. And I swear to you, I’m psychic. A couple weeks ago, he appeared in my dreams 3 times in one week. Then, he “poked” me on Facebook, which I ignored. Apparently, he still kept my phone number. But it gets creepier. There I was sitting there with Dirty South, his dad, his sister, and step-mom and his dad (who already admittedly enjoys fucking with me) had just finished the sentence, “Oh so you have cooked for someone! Is he still alive to tell the tale?” and ‘chirp.chirp.’ TEXT MESSAGE from none other than the person I devoted 14 months (8 of which we lived together) to. I wouldn’t have known it was him as I deleted his phone number back in August when I finally closed the door on that part of my life, but his text mentioned the Norwood Water Bill. He wanted to know if I’d gotten it… Um… What? I’ve been gone from that house since February. Of course I haven’t. So I only text back a one-word answer “nope.” And I got a 2nd text that was a desperate attempt to start a conversation with me. But to no avail. I ignored. Immediately got upset. Pushed that down into my guts as I was with great company, and went along about my night. When we left his dad’s house, he asked if I was OK. For once in my life with a guy I was totally honest and didn’t hold back how I felt right at that moment. I told him no. I wasn’t ok. I was upset that I’d gotten that text. I was a mixture of angry and confused. I let him see the messages as he got this worried crinkle in his eyes. He half smiled and said, “Looks to me like someone is still in love with you. Too bad for him because it’s my turn now.” We talked about it, and everything was fine but I still kept some feelings pushed down. I broke out into hives when I drove home that night. I cried. All the romantic feelings I have for the D-Factor are gone. But despite his unwillingness to give, and his lie that he left me with I still care about him as a person. I think I always will. As gratifying as it is to know that he’s lonely, and to know that he is desperately trying to get me back into his life somehow and that maybe he’s starting to see that he fucked up royally… I still don’t want to think of him sitting around that house alone, and sad. I want to be able to laugh at him like Nelson from The Simpsons “Ha-Ha!” in a ‘you-made-your-bed-now-lay-in-it’ sort of way. But I can’t bring myself to do be that way. Character flaw. So I dealt with those emotions and came up with this:

Sometimes shit happens. You just have to choose to fertilize a new garden with it.

Must Be Your Skin I'm Sinking In...

Dear Heart,

It's been a while since we formally checked in. We've just been passing in the halls and giving generic waves and 'sups to each other as we stroll by. This week has been a little different, we've had some late night conversations while Stephanie's been sleeping and a couple early morning ones while she's driving and not really awake enough to realize that we're communicating. Heh. That's always fun.
Anyway, I just want to say that I've had some time to sit and think about what you felt the other night when you said you were scared. I totally get it. Gosh, we've been so out of sync for so long that it's like meeting again for the first time. But I swear we make an awesome team.

-You keep feeling scared.
- I'll keep telling you that you're being stupid and chill out.
-You keep falling deeper.
-I'll make sure we stay with our feet on the ground. 

I know you know this and I'm not going to continue to beat a dead horse, but you need to remember to slow it down. You're still on that 3rd set of training wheels and while your boo-boos are healed, you still gotta fear that bicycle a little bit. His heart has some things he needs to heal from as well. You know what they are, you were just there a few months ago.

We made a conscious decision together, to get involved in this. I think if we can stick it out through this healing period, and wait for the creases to be ironed out that this guy could be worth all the bullshit that you've put yourself through.

I know what did smacked you. We spent the night. When the morning came we found ourselves in his arms, with his nose in our hair. And at that moment, we both said, "This is perfect." We shared the same thought, the same idea, and we both knew it. It echoed throughout her insides. Let's face it, it's good to see her really smile again.

Partners in crime forever and always,
The Brain

I Just Keep Seeing You Seeing Me...

I can't believe it's really only Wednesday. Well, it's about to be Thursday in about fifteen minutes, or roughly the time I get this blog completed. Regardless, it should be later in the week, like say.... FRIDAY?

I hope no cops read this because I'm about to confess an illegal activity:
I've been driving around with an expired license for 4 days.
So I've decided I'm going to go down on Friday, and take care of that. I feel like I can really only press my luck until payday. Seems only fair.

In exploring these new emotions I'm having recently, I've discovered that not only do I have a new perspective in which I'm seeing everything; I've also gained some new insecurities that I'm not proud of and that have proven kind of difficult to beat down. Don't get me wrong, I still feel great. It's as if everything I ever felt before has been enhanced some how. I guess even the air smells different. Like dead leaves really. But let's get poetic and metaphorical. We can say those dead leaves represent things I left behind, and pieces of a skin I finally shed completely. Yes, I'm now a snake.

I've discovered that I've got a pretty dark fear of being left behind, of being forgotten, of being ignored. Because of this, I continue to try and keep Dirty South within an arm's distance. Emotionally, anyway. He seems incredibly incredible. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm awesomely awesome. He calls me "darlin", "pumpkin", "sweetheart", "baby", and the anatomically improbably but adorably endearing "bee's knees" all in this devilishly sexy southern accent. Damn you Rhett Butler. He's also smart, funny, strong, courageous, and with just a touch of vulnerability that draws me in like the soft glow of something shiny. Did I mention is so easy on the eyes that sometimes I just find myself staring at him and the teeniest bit of drool creeps out of the corner of my mouth? Because yeah...that happens. It's a fact. I'm a smitten kitten. But there's still that next level that is waiting to be unlocked. And I could fall.

I could fall really hard. I've learned that in order to fall, you have to be okay with skinning your knees, or possibly obtaining some sort of broken bone or brain injury. I've slowly moved from traction, to wheel chair, to crutches, to ace bandages, to band-aids. Now I've taken the band-aids off but there are certain areas that are still a bit scabby and I'm trying not to pick them even though it itches. When I take the next few steps in this journey, it's going to decide a few things:
1. "Seeing each other" will be kicked up a notch. Or to use a kitchen reference, the burner is going to be turned up on our kettle.
2. I'm going to get way more emotionally invested, which means living a fair distance away will suck even harder. I'll have to be ready for lonelier nights.
3. I'm ready to accept what lies ahead be it good, bad, ugly, awesome, terrible, stupid, what have you. That's kind of a big deal.

 Perhaps I should wear a helmet?
---Naaaah. Nobody looks cool in a helmet.


 I've only been 29 for 4 days, and I got to say (like I say every year) this will be my year.

Prettier, Older, Wiser and I Want Some Chips...

I am one year older now. Again, like with any birthday. I feel no different. I wonder if there is a certain age you hit where you wake up the next day and you feel that old. You feel that age. I guess maybe if you're lucky enough to live to be really old, and you just die peacefully in your sleep. I guess maybe that moment is the one where you actually feel how old you are.

I'll let you know, when I make it there.

The start of my birthday actually started off with a decent day at work. Lots of laughter and "29? Really?!" conversation. The work day ended with amazing card from every one at work. It was signed by everybody, and not just simple signatures and "happy birthday" messages, many of them wrote some personalized tidings and that made me feel like a million bucks. I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from this company, or "the firm" as my boss and I have referred to it as. I don't want to ever move on from it. I think it's a perfect niche. Speaking of perfect. Friday night was also perfect. I had an amazing night with a pretty amazing guy, let's call him Dirty South, as I've been calling him that for weeks now any way.

He decided that we should do something/go somewhere neither one of us had been. That way the memory we make together is more special. (if that ain't the sweetest thing I ever heard...) So we went to Dead Acres AKA The Haunted Hoochie. Haunted house attractions, corn mazes, leaves changing, that eerie feeling that surrounds you at night, the cool breezes, these are the reasons that autumn is always welcome to come around for me. My favorite parts of fall. The haunted house is set off in what appears to be a farm. It's complete with barns, silos, split rail fencing, the whole nine. It's been voted number one haunted attraction on Yahoo and I think I read that it's been on Travel Channel. After looking at the website I was excited, but once I picked up Dirty South, I must admit I was super excited.

For some reason, that I haven't figured out yet, he makes me an idiot. I have a hard time formulating words at certain points when we're together...hell, even when we're on the phone. I am not only blown away by the excellent bone structure and body, shiny eyes, perfect mouth, and adorable accent, I am taken aback by the genuine personality, intelligence, courage, and humor that falls out this man. Any amount of time I spend just talking to him is something I look forward to, but any moment I get to spend with him is seriously a gift from the universe. So yeah... I'm Smitten with a capital S. I look forward to seeing what else we have in store for each other, and where our paths will lead us. I enjoy him very much. Just writing this lil paragraph actually makes me smile.

After a long late night out haunted housing and hanging out, I got home bright and early... 6 am. I had to turn around and wake up at 8-ish so that I could spend the day at the local amusement park with my friend, and also my aunt and cousin wound up coming too...saved us $12 for parking. Woot. Needless to say, I napped for about an hourish and woke up and spent an awesome day riding roller coasters, people watching and eating over priced pretzels and drinking expensive fountain coca-cola. I always spend my birthdays with my family, it's a tradition. My grandma has a little birthday party complete with cake and family. It's a very warm place to be, and it will forever make me feel like I'm turning 9 instead of 29. By 9 o clock though, I was wearing thin, and slap happy came into play. I got a ukulele for my birthday that I began to play like some sort of punk rock legend...out of tune and all.... I boxed with my teenage boy cousin...we boxed like the old timey boxers and then just wound up slapping each other like girls. I listened to my grandparents tell stories around a backyard campfire, and my uncle told some of his own. It was a great night.

By 10 pm, I was pretty much dead to the world. I could drift off without saying good night to Dirty South, so I did and that was it... my day was done. Boom. Out like a light. I slept for 11 hours! I don't think I even moved. Today, I'm just laying around reflecting, looking for a house, and re-budgeting. Yay.

That's birthday weekend update, and I'm Stephanie.
Deuces.

War Is Hell And So Am I...

Ha. Wow. This is surprisingly comfortable. It's true my birthday is coming; it's in 3 days to be exact. I thought I would be a little down about it, considering this is the last birthday that I will have for my 20's. That's right this young girl face, is turning 29 years young on Saturday.

The more I think about it though, the more it just feels right.

I'm currently floating in uncharted waters emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much more whole than I felt last birthday and probably the birthday before that. I thought I knew what it felt like for my puzzle pieces to fall together. I thought I knew what it was like to not force them to fit together, to stop pounding down the edges to get it to look pretty and make sure all the corners lined up. I was wrong. I'm seeing that it's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to make mistakes, but all of this is only okay as long I learn from them. I think we are put in certain positions and situations in our lives so that we can learn lessons. I think that we are put through pain, so that we can understand pleasure. I think that we are put with people who show us the best and the worst in ourselves so that we can learn who we are, and we never stop learning who we are.

We are in constant metamorphosis.

A few weeks ago I had feelings of regret. It wasn't necessarily the person I regretted, it was who I was when I was with them. It was a time in my life when I wasn't the best me I could be. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I felt guilty. I felt resentment. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt regret. As awful as it sounds, these were emotions and actions that I had to go through in order to grow. I had to allow myself to go back and close doors that were still open, and I had to go back and burn bridges that needed more than charred. I don't think I would change any of it, even with the hindsight that I'm experiencing now.

This stuff has made my heart feel free.

Sometimes my life seems serendipitous. I spent time alone, I spent some time getting to know me, and going through the emotions of getting over someone for the first time since I started having boyfriends. I feel free. That's all I can explain it as, I don't feel burdened. I don't feel like I need to make myself into something/someone else. And boom, I met someone. Granted, I've made the mistake before of getting waaaaay into someone before I should and just letting my heart do whatever it wants. That sort of thing has gotten me into trouble and has only really led me to get my heart-broken. In this situation, my brain is involved. I'm not looking for seriousness, but I would not be opposed if it happened. I kind of just want to see where life leads us. I can say for a fact that I genuinely enjoy talking to him, I look forward to it. He's smart, funny, philisophical, mechanical, and when he talks he's so excited about the things he's interested in. It's fucking engaging. I feel like when he talks, I'm just sitting there staring at him like a geek. Most likely, because I am. There is a ridiculous amount of chemistry between the two of us, in fact, it's nuclear holocaust. I fear that if we join forces, it will cause fallout. As far as I'm concerned, totally worth it.


I'm excited to see where life is going, rather than waiting for the bottom to drop out.