Must Be Your Skin I'm Sinking In...

Dear Heart,

It's been a while since we formally checked in. We've just been passing in the halls and giving generic waves and 'sups to each other as we stroll by. This week has been a little different, we've had some late night conversations while Stephanie's been sleeping and a couple early morning ones while she's driving and not really awake enough to realize that we're communicating. Heh. That's always fun.
Anyway, I just want to say that I've had some time to sit and think about what you felt the other night when you said you were scared. I totally get it. Gosh, we've been so out of sync for so long that it's like meeting again for the first time. But I swear we make an awesome team.

-You keep feeling scared.
- I'll keep telling you that you're being stupid and chill out.
-You keep falling deeper.
-I'll make sure we stay with our feet on the ground. 

I know you know this and I'm not going to continue to beat a dead horse, but you need to remember to slow it down. You're still on that 3rd set of training wheels and while your boo-boos are healed, you still gotta fear that bicycle a little bit. His heart has some things he needs to heal from as well. You know what they are, you were just there a few months ago.

We made a conscious decision together, to get involved in this. I think if we can stick it out through this healing period, and wait for the creases to be ironed out that this guy could be worth all the bullshit that you've put yourself through.

I know what did smacked you. We spent the night. When the morning came we found ourselves in his arms, with his nose in our hair. And at that moment, we both said, "This is perfect." We shared the same thought, the same idea, and we both knew it. It echoed throughout her insides. Let's face it, it's good to see her really smile again.

Partners in crime forever and always,
The Brain

War Is Hell And So Am I...

Ha. Wow. This is surprisingly comfortable. It's true my birthday is coming; it's in 3 days to be exact. I thought I would be a little down about it, considering this is the last birthday that I will have for my 20's. That's right this young girl face, is turning 29 years young on Saturday.

The more I think about it though, the more it just feels right.

I'm currently floating in uncharted waters emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much more whole than I felt last birthday and probably the birthday before that. I thought I knew what it felt like for my puzzle pieces to fall together. I thought I knew what it was like to not force them to fit together, to stop pounding down the edges to get it to look pretty and make sure all the corners lined up. I was wrong. I'm seeing that it's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to make mistakes, but all of this is only okay as long I learn from them. I think we are put in certain positions and situations in our lives so that we can learn lessons. I think that we are put through pain, so that we can understand pleasure. I think that we are put with people who show us the best and the worst in ourselves so that we can learn who we are, and we never stop learning who we are.

We are in constant metamorphosis.

A few weeks ago I had feelings of regret. It wasn't necessarily the person I regretted, it was who I was when I was with them. It was a time in my life when I wasn't the best me I could be. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I felt guilty. I felt resentment. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt regret. As awful as it sounds, these were emotions and actions that I had to go through in order to grow. I had to allow myself to go back and close doors that were still open, and I had to go back and burn bridges that needed more than charred. I don't think I would change any of it, even with the hindsight that I'm experiencing now.

This stuff has made my heart feel free.

Sometimes my life seems serendipitous. I spent time alone, I spent some time getting to know me, and going through the emotions of getting over someone for the first time since I started having boyfriends. I feel free. That's all I can explain it as, I don't feel burdened. I don't feel like I need to make myself into something/someone else. And boom, I met someone. Granted, I've made the mistake before of getting waaaaay into someone before I should and just letting my heart do whatever it wants. That sort of thing has gotten me into trouble and has only really led me to get my heart-broken. In this situation, my brain is involved. I'm not looking for seriousness, but I would not be opposed if it happened. I kind of just want to see where life leads us. I can say for a fact that I genuinely enjoy talking to him, I look forward to it. He's smart, funny, philisophical, mechanical, and when he talks he's so excited about the things he's interested in. It's fucking engaging. I feel like when he talks, I'm just sitting there staring at him like a geek. Most likely, because I am. There is a ridiculous amount of chemistry between the two of us, in fact, it's nuclear holocaust. I fear that if we join forces, it will cause fallout. As far as I'm concerned, totally worth it.


I'm excited to see where life is going, rather than waiting for the bottom to drop out.