War Is Hell And So Am I...

Ha. Wow. This is surprisingly comfortable. It's true my birthday is coming; it's in 3 days to be exact. I thought I would be a little down about it, considering this is the last birthday that I will have for my 20's. That's right this young girl face, is turning 29 years young on Saturday.

The more I think about it though, the more it just feels right.

I'm currently floating in uncharted waters emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much more whole than I felt last birthday and probably the birthday before that. I thought I knew what it felt like for my puzzle pieces to fall together. I thought I knew what it was like to not force them to fit together, to stop pounding down the edges to get it to look pretty and make sure all the corners lined up. I was wrong. I'm seeing that it's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to make mistakes, but all of this is only okay as long I learn from them. I think we are put in certain positions and situations in our lives so that we can learn lessons. I think that we are put through pain, so that we can understand pleasure. I think that we are put with people who show us the best and the worst in ourselves so that we can learn who we are, and we never stop learning who we are.

We are in constant metamorphosis.

A few weeks ago I had feelings of regret. It wasn't necessarily the person I regretted, it was who I was when I was with them. It was a time in my life when I wasn't the best me I could be. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I felt guilty. I felt resentment. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt regret. As awful as it sounds, these were emotions and actions that I had to go through in order to grow. I had to allow myself to go back and close doors that were still open, and I had to go back and burn bridges that needed more than charred. I don't think I would change any of it, even with the hindsight that I'm experiencing now.

This stuff has made my heart feel free.

Sometimes my life seems serendipitous. I spent time alone, I spent some time getting to know me, and going through the emotions of getting over someone for the first time since I started having boyfriends. I feel free. That's all I can explain it as, I don't feel burdened. I don't feel like I need to make myself into something/someone else. And boom, I met someone. Granted, I've made the mistake before of getting waaaaay into someone before I should and just letting my heart do whatever it wants. That sort of thing has gotten me into trouble and has only really led me to get my heart-broken. In this situation, my brain is involved. I'm not looking for seriousness, but I would not be opposed if it happened. I kind of just want to see where life leads us. I can say for a fact that I genuinely enjoy talking to him, I look forward to it. He's smart, funny, philisophical, mechanical, and when he talks he's so excited about the things he's interested in. It's fucking engaging. I feel like when he talks, I'm just sitting there staring at him like a geek. Most likely, because I am. There is a ridiculous amount of chemistry between the two of us, in fact, it's nuclear holocaust. I fear that if we join forces, it will cause fallout. As far as I'm concerned, totally worth it.


I'm excited to see where life is going, rather than waiting for the bottom to drop out.

First Dates or How I Became A Fan Of The Confederacy...

*the names have been changed to protect the ridiculously good-looking.

So I had a date Friday night. Yes, I just actually admitted I had a date. This in itself is a big step, as I'm always the girl who says, "It's not a date you guys! We're just friends!" But this was a date. Mutual interest. Mutual attraction. Mutual want for something better than we have now, and what we've gotten in the past. Yep, a date. Now normally, I'm not one to get nervous over such things as dudes but the anticipation of meeting this one made me ridiculously nervous. I think I probably burned 4500 calories in just leg-shaking all day on Friday, bit off every nail on my fingers, and compulsively checked my face for pop-up breakouts. Nerves. Nerves. Nerves.After getting home from work and just sitting around and calming myself... my nerves subsided and I was ready. Ridiculous excited..but ready.

It's been a while since I've had any real interest in anyone. I had the break-up the very end of January, the mistake turned disaster at the end of March up until sometime in May, then the re-try at the end of June. That really gave me closure on something I always thought would be an open door. But I closed it. It hurt, I hated it, and I cried for a while about it, but I needed to close it. I was holding myself back from ever finding someone who can truly put me first, and I can finally give my heart to somebody who knows what to do with it. It can finally be on the level, and on the equal.

Needless to say at this point, I had an interest in this boy. But now that I've met "Dirty South" I have put a cape on that interest and called it SUPER interest. Now, he was already in the positives on the point scale before he got there but him driving 2 hours to pick me up for this date basically put him way out of range from dipping into the low side of that scale. Everyone who knows me personally, knows that act in itself speaks very loudly to me. Anyway, he jumped out of the car and kissed me right on the mouth... he did warn me of this before he even got there, but I just took it as all talk... nope..he made good on that threat. As far as I'm concerned, he can continue to threaten me. Haha. We went for dinner, talked and talked, and talked, made out, and talked, and talked, made out again, and talked, and made out, talked and talked and then made out again.. and talked for I think like 3 hours, but it didn't feel that long at all. Felt like 3 minutes. God, even in just writing a blog about it I'm having trouble formulating words... apparently, he makes me stupid.

I can't drag this out any longer, lemme just end it by saying I had the best time, and I'm hoping for many more dates in the future.If potential had a region it would be the Dirty South.

Things Are Lookin' Up. Oh Finally, I Thought I'd Never See The Day When You'd Smile At Me

Originally Posted to Tumblr on 6/21:

2 days in a row my lips got to touch yours again. My face might erode from so many smiles. I can’t tell you the kind of fire it sends through me, or just how weak in the knees you make me.
Let’s conquer the world, one more time.