I Just Keep Seeing You Seeing Me...

I can't believe it's really only Wednesday. Well, it's about to be Thursday in about fifteen minutes, or roughly the time I get this blog completed. Regardless, it should be later in the week, like say.... FRIDAY?

I hope no cops read this because I'm about to confess an illegal activity:
I've been driving around with an expired license for 4 days.
So I've decided I'm going to go down on Friday, and take care of that. I feel like I can really only press my luck until payday. Seems only fair.

In exploring these new emotions I'm having recently, I've discovered that not only do I have a new perspective in which I'm seeing everything; I've also gained some new insecurities that I'm not proud of and that have proven kind of difficult to beat down. Don't get me wrong, I still feel great. It's as if everything I ever felt before has been enhanced some how. I guess even the air smells different. Like dead leaves really. But let's get poetic and metaphorical. We can say those dead leaves represent things I left behind, and pieces of a skin I finally shed completely. Yes, I'm now a snake.

I've discovered that I've got a pretty dark fear of being left behind, of being forgotten, of being ignored. Because of this, I continue to try and keep Dirty South within an arm's distance. Emotionally, anyway. He seems incredibly incredible. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm awesomely awesome. He calls me "darlin", "pumpkin", "sweetheart", "baby", and the anatomically improbably but adorably endearing "bee's knees" all in this devilishly sexy southern accent. Damn you Rhett Butler. He's also smart, funny, strong, courageous, and with just a touch of vulnerability that draws me in like the soft glow of something shiny. Did I mention is so easy on the eyes that sometimes I just find myself staring at him and the teeniest bit of drool creeps out of the corner of my mouth? Because yeah...that happens. It's a fact. I'm a smitten kitten. But there's still that next level that is waiting to be unlocked. And I could fall.

I could fall really hard. I've learned that in order to fall, you have to be okay with skinning your knees, or possibly obtaining some sort of broken bone or brain injury. I've slowly moved from traction, to wheel chair, to crutches, to ace bandages, to band-aids. Now I've taken the band-aids off but there are certain areas that are still a bit scabby and I'm trying not to pick them even though it itches. When I take the next few steps in this journey, it's going to decide a few things:
1. "Seeing each other" will be kicked up a notch. Or to use a kitchen reference, the burner is going to be turned up on our kettle.
2. I'm going to get way more emotionally invested, which means living a fair distance away will suck even harder. I'll have to be ready for lonelier nights.
3. I'm ready to accept what lies ahead be it good, bad, ugly, awesome, terrible, stupid, what have you. That's kind of a big deal.

 Perhaps I should wear a helmet?
---Naaaah. Nobody looks cool in a helmet.


 I've only been 29 for 4 days, and I got to say (like I say every year) this will be my year.

First Dates or How I Became A Fan Of The Confederacy...

*the names have been changed to protect the ridiculously good-looking.

So I had a date Friday night. Yes, I just actually admitted I had a date. This in itself is a big step, as I'm always the girl who says, "It's not a date you guys! We're just friends!" But this was a date. Mutual interest. Mutual attraction. Mutual want for something better than we have now, and what we've gotten in the past. Yep, a date. Now normally, I'm not one to get nervous over such things as dudes but the anticipation of meeting this one made me ridiculously nervous. I think I probably burned 4500 calories in just leg-shaking all day on Friday, bit off every nail on my fingers, and compulsively checked my face for pop-up breakouts. Nerves. Nerves. Nerves.After getting home from work and just sitting around and calming myself... my nerves subsided and I was ready. Ridiculous excited..but ready.

It's been a while since I've had any real interest in anyone. I had the break-up the very end of January, the mistake turned disaster at the end of March up until sometime in May, then the re-try at the end of June. That really gave me closure on something I always thought would be an open door. But I closed it. It hurt, I hated it, and I cried for a while about it, but I needed to close it. I was holding myself back from ever finding someone who can truly put me first, and I can finally give my heart to somebody who knows what to do with it. It can finally be on the level, and on the equal.

Needless to say at this point, I had an interest in this boy. But now that I've met "Dirty South" I have put a cape on that interest and called it SUPER interest. Now, he was already in the positives on the point scale before he got there but him driving 2 hours to pick me up for this date basically put him way out of range from dipping into the low side of that scale. Everyone who knows me personally, knows that act in itself speaks very loudly to me. Anyway, he jumped out of the car and kissed me right on the mouth... he did warn me of this before he even got there, but I just took it as all talk... nope..he made good on that threat. As far as I'm concerned, he can continue to threaten me. Haha. We went for dinner, talked and talked, and talked, made out, and talked, and talked, made out again, and talked, and made out, talked and talked and then made out again.. and talked for I think like 3 hours, but it didn't feel that long at all. Felt like 3 minutes. God, even in just writing a blog about it I'm having trouble formulating words... apparently, he makes me stupid.

I can't drag this out any longer, lemme just end it by saying I had the best time, and I'm hoping for many more dates in the future.If potential had a region it would be the Dirty South.