Frustrated Incorporated

It's been a weird weekend. 

We saw a lovely house on Thursday, met the property manager, kinda fell in love, started making plans for it. I did not want to pull the trigger too soon or jump on the first one we saw but it seemed right. It is on the higher side of our budget but it seems worth it. 

Everyone is kind of a mixed bag. Some friends are like "yeah! Go for it!" Others want us to take our time and "not rush into" anything. The thing is, time is not on our side & neither is the rental market. The landlord community seems to hate dogs over 20 lbs. Specifically mixed breed dogs over 20 lbs. 

This property won't charge us a deposit or an additional fee for our lil fur kids. In fact, we had a 15 minute conversation with the guy renting it & he loves dogs & has rescues of his own! 

Today, I was perusing the usual rental websites & came across a nice looking split level home (that type of layout is kinda my dream) only 13 minutes from where we've been living. Same price as the one we loved already (with pet fee) but bigger & (here's the kicker) an opportunity to own the house. According to the listing, $300 of our rent would be put towards a downpayment for the house. 

Seemed too good. I tried contacting the people today but it's a property managemt company & no one was in. I left a message.

 I told the previous guy (the prop mgr of the other house) that we have 1 other Id like to see before we pull the trigger. He called & told me that if we want the house it's ours, but definitely understands our position. He asked for details on this new property & I told him & he even offered advice on what to look for in that neighborhood & house. He said he has been offered properties in that area & doesn't take them because of wet basements; possibility of mold is too high. He told me what to look for when we view the place. He also said to be very thorough in my questions with them because the lease option pricing sounded very low to him (as a real estate guy). 

I thought that was incredibly nice & above & beyond what I expect in this situation. I was super impressed. 

Well we did a drive by / walk around of this other house & I was underwhelmed. It's a big house, nice yard... But very busy street. Noticed some condensation on the inside of the windows. Not just like when you breathe on the window kinda fog, but water drops. They were on the basement windows alot & on the dining room door windows out back. Several places in the back fence need replaced due to missing planks, siding is coming off in the back too. 1 neighbor seemed a little sketchy. 

I was underwhelmed & a little less excited about that potential. Still wanna get in there though. So I'll try & call tomorrow. 

I'm finding myself in a weird mood. I guess it's just the uncertainty of it all & the pace at which I need to get it together. 

I guess the right decision will make itself known to me in the next couple days.

Until then...   

Horizon

Spent most of the night wide awake. It happens. I overwhelm myself with possibility, good & bad. We have a new chapter that we're about to write; it just feels like the ink hasn't dried yet. 

I've been ready to go for about a year. Ready to move on from this house. I had a rough summer internally. Wanting so much & just not being able to get there, struggling with not being enough. I want to move forward, but I want to be on my terms. 

Every time I've moved (except the first time) has always been marred by the unexpected. Roommate/best-friend moving to a new state for work, unanticipated job loss, break up, impatience. I just wanted this one to be because we finally got something we worked for. 

I am uneasy because my bubble was burst. My comfortability in the day to day, questioned. It's weird though, I'm not really worried we can't make it through. I'm just uneasy with the not knowing. I want to make the right decision, but there's no way if really knowing until you just do it.  

But I will not make the first day of the new year, a day where I worry about the rest of the 364. It's all a fresh start & I'm going to just embrace it. I have the best teammate I could ever ask for & more support than I ever anticipated. 

Today, let's just breathe. 

So Today Was Nice

We were pretty much punched in the face by our landlord. He texted me saying he and his wife are moving back from Vegas to this house we are currently living in. So we have to find a new place to live no later than February 2nd. Goodbye, air in my lungs. So long best-laid plans for an awesome 2016. 

I don’t want a pity party, and I don’t want to be a Deborah here… but I had a solid plan in place for this year. We were gonna save money for a down payment on a home of our own, and it was for real gonna happen! Now, that feels like it’s all shot to shit. It’s looking like buying a home of our own and everything that goes with that will be just out of reach yet again. And yet again, it feels like the things I want are blowing away with the winds of change. I really don't ask for much.  

We’re going to have to move and everywhere that’s decent that will take us plus our dogs, is going to be at least $100-$200 more expensive every month in just the rent alone. That terrifies the shit out of me. I've gotten comfortable in the budget we've made for ourselves in the last 3 years. Comfortability is overrated. Just an illusion. I really don't want to be this bitter sounding or woe is me... because it shouldn't be that. 

I held it mostly together until Mike went to bed… but I just bawled my eyes out. Ugly sobs, snot, and hitching breaths. At this moment, I’m so disappointed in life…but mostly I'm disappointed in myself. I want to be just a couple steps further, and it seems that just when I get my footing, I slip backwards.

This one really caught me for a loop. I've been very good at just trying to take things as they come, and not worry over things that don't even exist. Maybe if I would've been more aware, I could've saw this coming and been more prepared. I honestly thought we'd have at least another year in this house. Plenty of time for us to save for what we really want.

It feels like I've let my little family down. That hurts. I just want the best for us. I want to provide a good and safe place for Abel to come to, I want a warm home that's full of the things that are us and we get to keep those things...that's where we store our memories. I want to start a family of my own...and I can't even get my own life right. Maybe I'm ahead of myself... ? I just don't want to feel like I'm so far behind. I feel like I deserve more than I get. But I guess everyone feels like that. 

My eyes are all burny and tired… but my mind is on fire and going 100 miles a minute. 

I’m so scared. I haven’t been this scared in a while. 
I know it’ll be okay, because we’re going to face it and get over it together. But right now, I just want to be able to feel like there’s something underneath me other than air. Right now, I've got no place to call home and I don't like that feeling. 

For This I Am Thankful...

In true Thanksgiving fashion, I'm here to write about what I'm thankful for this year. There's a lot of ugly out in the world right now, so I feel like this is more important than ever. Important to take stock. 

I used to be the person who layed awake at night & worried over so much. I would think of all the things I needed to do the next day, then all the goals I still need to accomplish, then I'd wonder if I was enough. Enough to get where I wanted to be, enough to make people happy, enough to be the person everyone seems to think I am. I'd worry over things I cannot control; things completely out of my hands. 

But this year, I just let go. 

I accepted that sometimes the wind isn't going to blow my way. Sometimes I'm going to have to adjust my sail. 

 That's not to say, I don't lay my head down with the weight of the world still resting on my shiulders. But, let's just say it's considsrably less often. 

I'm thankful for that inner quiet that whispers more than it screams. 

I'm thankful that I grew in friendship & in family this year. I feel as though the stars have aligned in some way; I have a fantastic group of people I call my friends. They're people who really get me, and even when they don't they just smile & nod. 

The last bit is a twofer. 

My best friend, my husband. There are no words that truley express how thankful I am for you. You are not so much the air I breathe, but the breeze that catches my feet to raise me up. You arr not so much my reason to smile, but my laugh just as it reaches joy. I am in awe of you every day. I love you. 

It is because of you I am most thankful for the little burst of sunshine I finally got to warm in. I am so thankful that I met my stepson. He gave me a jolt of energy & arenewed  sense of purpose & self. I've lived him from behind the scenes, but it was really inspiring to step in front of the curtain. 

And for this I am thankful.  

Today You Travel Back To The Sun...

I fought sleep until I lost last night. I so badly did not want today to come. This has been the fastest 7 days of my life. I can't imagine how your Daddy feels. 

You are his little cub & it's been so great to see him with you. It's been nice to see a different kind of love in his eyes & hear the gentle breeze in his voice. I hope one day you see how much he loves you. 

You have become my best friend in just a few days. I love the way you laugh & the sound of your whispers in the morning. I feel so renewed, because you make me see the world differently. Thank you. 

I didn't expect to take your leaving so hard. My stomach feels empty & my heart is missing a little piece already. I was so sure I could be strong because I knew (even though he didn't) that you having to go back home would break his heart. 

I know we will see you again and even though it won't be soon enough, I'm going to carry that with me today. I have to hold it together because I know Daddy is going to want to fall apart, and he's allowed. 

I'm going to get right to work on your scrapbook for your trip this week. I want you to have all these pictures & things from the places we've been, because one day they won't be able to still fit in your head. We will, you will make new memories with us. 

We will move mountains for you little man.