So Today Was Nice

We were pretty much punched in the face by our landlord. He texted me saying he and his wife are moving back from Vegas to this house we are currently living in. So we have to find a new place to live no later than February 2nd. Goodbye, air in my lungs. So long best-laid plans for an awesome 2016. 

I don’t want a pity party, and I don’t want to be a Deborah here… but I had a solid plan in place for this year. We were gonna save money for a down payment on a home of our own, and it was for real gonna happen! Now, that feels like it’s all shot to shit. It’s looking like buying a home of our own and everything that goes with that will be just out of reach yet again. And yet again, it feels like the things I want are blowing away with the winds of change. I really don't ask for much.  

We’re going to have to move and everywhere that’s decent that will take us plus our dogs, is going to be at least $100-$200 more expensive every month in just the rent alone. That terrifies the shit out of me. I've gotten comfortable in the budget we've made for ourselves in the last 3 years. Comfortability is overrated. Just an illusion. I really don't want to be this bitter sounding or woe is me... because it shouldn't be that. 

I held it mostly together until Mike went to bed… but I just bawled my eyes out. Ugly sobs, snot, and hitching breaths. At this moment, I’m so disappointed in life…but mostly I'm disappointed in myself. I want to be just a couple steps further, and it seems that just when I get my footing, I slip backwards.

This one really caught me for a loop. I've been very good at just trying to take things as they come, and not worry over things that don't even exist. Maybe if I would've been more aware, I could've saw this coming and been more prepared. I honestly thought we'd have at least another year in this house. Plenty of time for us to save for what we really want.

It feels like I've let my little family down. That hurts. I just want the best for us. I want to provide a good and safe place for Abel to come to, I want a warm home that's full of the things that are us and we get to keep those things...that's where we store our memories. I want to start a family of my own...and I can't even get my own life right. Maybe I'm ahead of myself... ? I just don't want to feel like I'm so far behind. I feel like I deserve more than I get. But I guess everyone feels like that. 

My eyes are all burny and tired… but my mind is on fire and going 100 miles a minute. 

I’m so scared. I haven’t been this scared in a while. 
I know it’ll be okay, because we’re going to face it and get over it together. But right now, I just want to be able to feel like there’s something underneath me other than air. Right now, I've got no place to call home and I don't like that feeling. 

Today You Travel Back To The Sun...

I fought sleep until I lost last night. I so badly did not want today to come. This has been the fastest 7 days of my life. I can't imagine how your Daddy feels. 

You are his little cub & it's been so great to see him with you. It's been nice to see a different kind of love in his eyes & hear the gentle breeze in his voice. I hope one day you see how much he loves you. 

You have become my best friend in just a few days. I love the way you laugh & the sound of your whispers in the morning. I feel so renewed, because you make me see the world differently. Thank you. 

I didn't expect to take your leaving so hard. My stomach feels empty & my heart is missing a little piece already. I was so sure I could be strong because I knew (even though he didn't) that you having to go back home would break his heart. 

I know we will see you again and even though it won't be soon enough, I'm going to carry that with me today. I have to hold it together because I know Daddy is going to want to fall apart, and he's allowed. 

I'm going to get right to work on your scrapbook for your trip this week. I want you to have all these pictures & things from the places we've been, because one day they won't be able to still fit in your head. We will, you will make new memories with us. 

We will move mountains for you little man. 

Somehow The World Feels A Little Bigger

I'm laying here in bed, the first gray light of the day is beginning to peek through the windows. My husband's breathing is slow & rhythmic as he sleeps. And I can hear tiny little snores just next to him. 

The first night went by without an issue. He wanted to cry for mommy only once, but Daddy stepped in & told him it was okay & hugged him. There is something very moving in his interaction with his son; I am touched & falling even more on love. 

My stepson opened right up to me. Let me hold him immediately & talked to me about Thomas the Train. We played hide & seek, I read him a book, he got to eat icecream & then we watched Thomas while he got comfy. I know this is just the beginning & I can feel him still just a bit cautious. But I'm so thankful to even have the opportunity to sit in the same room with him, that I could cry. 

The world feels bigger when there's a toddler around. Everything has a freshness/ a newness about it. Being with him & my husband only solidifies my want of a family. 

I can't wait to show him more of our world. I can't wait to see what today has in store. And it's been a while that I've felt renewed.

Today Is The Day...

Dear Abel,

You are three and a half, and today is the day I get to meet you for the first time. Today is the first day of a week long visit with your Dad and I. 

I've been nervous for weeks. Today, I'm not nervous or anxious, but I am a flood of emotion since your dad left to get you. 

I've known you since before you ever felt the sun on your face. Still, I don't know if you know me, or know of me, or who I am to your dad, to you. Maybe, that doesn't matter because you will know me soon. 

It's funny, I have had instant love for you since I saw your newborn photo. You will always be the first thing I loved without knowing anything about you. 

I knew that your Dad was my other half then. I knew no matter what happened between us romantically, that I would always know him & would always know you. From that moment forward, I loved you like you were my own child; you are just as much a part of me as your Dad is. 

The circumstances are not ideal, and they have taught me patience, selflessness and perseverance. You are worth every sleepless night, every argument, every penny spent and every deep breath we took to keep the peace. 

I am so overcome with joy, relief and excitement for this day. I'm so thankful to your mommy for allowing this visit. 

Today is the day. 

Today is just the first day and I can't wait. 

Always. 

-Stephanie

And Then There Was Sunday...

Now comes the part of my Tumblr where I actually write stuff about things. I sort of made this silly promise to myself that I would write more and while I enjoy writing, I’ve discovered (in reading past blogs) that I do my best (and most consistent) of it when I’m heart-broken. I found this thought rather sad and very UN-customary (is that a word? eh, fuck it. it is now) of the person I really am. So to honor myself, and the little emotional girl who lives inside of me, I will do more of the writing about good things, and day-to-day and the stupid, silly things I do, say or see. Because, quite frankly, that’s me. I’m not that silly girl who gets her heart broken every six months.
Well… ok, maybe that girl lives inside of me too. But hopefully she’ll move out soon.
————
As much as I look forward to long weekends, I secretly loathe them. Those extra days only give Father Time a few extra punches in my head that force me to think about things like feelings, and futures. Or it gives him space to usher in more surprise attacks from pesky weeds that continue to try and ruin my new garden I’m trying to cultivate. This weekend was one of those weekends.

You know, I did the same thing you did this Thursday (well if you’re in the U.S.) I spent long overdue time with my family. Everything was cool, and great at first but after about the first 10 minutes I began to get that urge to drive the fork I was eating turkey with through my eye socket. I tried to calm the beast inside of me with shopping, and it worked. I got a killer deal on a Playstation 3 from Amazon. The console (complete with 160gb hard drive), an extra controller, and 2 games (Little Big Planet and some Ratchet and Clank game) all for the cool price of $199, and a shout out to Amazon for the free shipping. So that left me with a feeling of euphoria for the rest of my Thursday. I mean, I got an awesome deal, and I didn’t even have to put shoes on. Or get pepper-sprayed. All and all I’d say…SCORE.

Friday was basically lame. I did nothing all day but watch marathons of various shows on tv and I braved the crowds to buy Captain America on Blu-Ray (for my new PS3 of course) for like $10 on a Black Friday sale. I must say, I’m mildly obsessed with Black Friday shopping. Not for the deals as I generally HATE shopping but for the people. People get fucking retarded for Black Friday and I love it. It’s like I can finally get a glimpse of what it must’ve been like during caveman-times, or what the madness will be like when the initial zombie apocalypse finally does happen and hordes and hordes of people panic. I take a gigantic gulp of air into my nostrils and say things like, “AHHH the smell of commerce!” (Mallrats reference in case you’re playing along at home).

Saturday will forever be known as Dirty South day. He consumes my Saturdays and every other one of my Sundays. Words can’t really express what sort of feelings I’m having and/or developing for him. I think I’ve mentioned it before in previous blogs but being with him is sort of like walking for the first time. I feel like a baby deer. I’m all wobbly and disoriented.

——————TANGENT ALERT———————

This entire process in the getting to know and developing a relationship has all felt very strange, but I mean strange in a good way. I’m very much consciously aware of all of my limbs, my organs and the words coming out of my mouth and everything is seemingly in control. My heart and my brain and learning to work together like they’ve never done before.                                                         
Honestly, before I shed this new skin I would’ve already been head over heels in love with this poor boy. I knew I couldn’t do that this time. I owe it to myself not to fall too hard, too fast. His heart is an open wound right now, and mine is just beginning to have the crime scene tape removed from around it.                      I’ve got this white knight syndrome thing I’ve discovered, or rather was pointed out to me by an unlikely source, and I’ve really studied it and broke down my relationships because of it. I seek out those that need fixing. And I desperately try to fix them. Somewhere in this head, I think that if I just love them enough, or care for them enough that they will somehow wake up from the haze they’ve been living in and see that the world isn’t such a cold place. Ya know, like a movie. What I’ve discovered is that life isn’t a movie. (I know, right? DUUUHHH.) Usually all that happens in real life is that you’re left with the decision of “Can I continue to give myself up like this without anything in return?” or “Do I want to spend the next 50-60 years of my life this way?” in the long-run, you know it’s best to bow out, to walk away. Or crawl as I’ve done. You’re left with emptiness. I made an effort to look at myself and realize that this is what I was doing. Shooting myself in the mother-fucking foot.
Maybe I don’t really need to fix someone, maybe I can just find a guy who is broken, but doesn’t need me to fix him. He just wants me to be there to see that he can fix himself.
I’m hoping that maybe I’ve found him. He’s just this beautiful boy who is starting over and he doesn’t even see how bright he shines. Actually I don’t think either one of us thinks the other sees how much we light up the night. Perhaps, we can learn to be supernovas together?

————END TANGENT—————

Back to Saturday. Saturday was great, except for the appearance of a weed in my garden. My ex, let’s refer to him as the D-Factor, randomly text me. And I swear to you, I’m psychic. A couple weeks ago, he appeared in my dreams 3 times in one week. Then, he “poked” me on Facebook, which I ignored. Apparently, he still kept my phone number. But it gets creepier. There I was sitting there with Dirty South, his dad, his sister, and step-mom and his dad (who already admittedly enjoys fucking with me) had just finished the sentence, “Oh so you have cooked for someone! Is he still alive to tell the tale?” and ‘chirp.chirp.’ TEXT MESSAGE from none other than the person I devoted 14 months (8 of which we lived together) to. I wouldn’t have known it was him as I deleted his phone number back in August when I finally closed the door on that part of my life, but his text mentioned the Norwood Water Bill. He wanted to know if I’d gotten it… Um… What? I’ve been gone from that house since February. Of course I haven’t. So I only text back a one-word answer “nope.” And I got a 2nd text that was a desperate attempt to start a conversation with me. But to no avail. I ignored. Immediately got upset. Pushed that down into my guts as I was with great company, and went along about my night. When we left his dad’s house, he asked if I was OK. For once in my life with a guy I was totally honest and didn’t hold back how I felt right at that moment. I told him no. I wasn’t ok. I was upset that I’d gotten that text. I was a mixture of angry and confused. I let him see the messages as he got this worried crinkle in his eyes. He half smiled and said, “Looks to me like someone is still in love with you. Too bad for him because it’s my turn now.” We talked about it, and everything was fine but I still kept some feelings pushed down. I broke out into hives when I drove home that night. I cried. All the romantic feelings I have for the D-Factor are gone. But despite his unwillingness to give, and his lie that he left me with I still care about him as a person. I think I always will. As gratifying as it is to know that he’s lonely, and to know that he is desperately trying to get me back into his life somehow and that maybe he’s starting to see that he fucked up royally… I still don’t want to think of him sitting around that house alone, and sad. I want to be able to laugh at him like Nelson from The Simpsons “Ha-Ha!” in a ‘you-made-your-bed-now-lay-in-it’ sort of way. But I can’t bring myself to do be that way. Character flaw. So I dealt with those emotions and came up with this:

Sometimes shit happens. You just have to choose to fertilize a new garden with it.