tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69744360519876900352024-02-18T23:52:19.685-05:00Read By Morgan FreemanThis is just a small piece of me, because all of me is too big for the Internet.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-72033912358569079972016-01-03T20:17:00.001-05:002016-01-03T20:17:04.156-05:00Frustrated IncorporatedIt's been a weird weekend. <div><br><div>We saw a lovely house on Thursday, met the property manager, kinda fell in love, started making plans for it. I did not want to pull the trigger too soon or jump on the first one we saw but it seemed right. It is on the higher side of our budget but it seems worth it. </div><div><br></div><div>Everyone is kind of a mixed bag. Some friends are like "yeah! Go for it!" Others want us to take our time and "not rush into" anything. The thing is, time is not on our side & neither is the rental market. The landlord community seems to hate dogs over 20 lbs. Specifically mixed breed dogs over 20 lbs. </div><div>This property won't charge us a deposit or an additional fee for our lil fur kids. In fact, we had a 15 minute conversation with the guy renting it & he loves dogs & has rescues of his own! </div><div><br></div><div>Today, I was perusing the usual rental websites & came across a nice looking split level home (that type of layout is kinda my dream) only 13 minutes from where we've been living. Same price as the one we loved already (with pet fee) but bigger & (here's the kicker) an opportunity to own the house. According to the listing, $300 of our rent would be put towards a downpayment for the house. </div><div>Seemed too good. I tried contacting the people today but it's a property managemt company & no one was in. I left a message.</div><div><br></div><div> I told the previous guy (the prop mgr of the other house) that we have 1 other Id like to see before we pull the trigger. He called & told me that if we want the house it's ours, but definitely understands our position. He asked for details on this new property & I told him & he even offered advice on what to look for in that neighborhood & house. He said he has been offered properties in that area & doesn't take them because of wet basements; possibility of mold is too high. He told me what to look for when we view the place. He also said to be very thorough in my questions with them because the lease option pricing sounded very low to him (as a real estate guy). </div><div>I thought that was incredibly nice & above & beyond what I expect in this situation. I was super impressed. </div><div><br></div><div>Well we did a drive by / walk around of this other house & I was underwhelmed. It's a big house, nice yard... But very busy street. Noticed some condensation on the inside of the windows. Not just like when you breathe on the window kinda fog, but water drops. They were on the basement windows alot & on the dining room door windows out back. Several places in the back fence need replaced due to missing planks, siding is coming off in the back too. 1 neighbor seemed a little sketchy. </div><div>I was underwhelmed & a little less excited about that potential. Still wanna get in there though. So I'll try & call tomorrow. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm finding myself in a weird mood. I guess it's just the uncertainty of it all & the pace at which I need to get it together. </div><div><br></div><div>I guess the right decision will make itself known to me in the next couple days.</div><div><br></div><div>Until then... </div><div><br></div></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-88968070149775174832016-01-01T11:49:00.001-05:002016-01-01T11:49:37.438-05:00Horizon<div>Spent most of the night wide awake. It happens. I overwhelm myself with possibility, good & bad. We have a new chapter that we're about to write; it just feels like the ink hasn't dried yet. </div><div><br></div><div>I've been ready to go for about a year. Ready to move on from this house. I had a rough summer internally. Wanting so much & just not being able to get there, struggling with not being enough. I want to move forward, but I want to be on my terms. </div><div><br></div><div>Every time I've moved (except the first time) has always been marred by the unexpected. Roommate/best-friend moving to a new state for work, unanticipated job loss, break up, impatience. I just wanted this one to be because we finally got something we worked for. </div><div><br></div><div>I am uneasy because my bubble was burst. My comfortability in the day to day, questioned. It's weird though, I'm not really worried we can't make it through. I'm just uneasy with the not knowing. I want to make the right decision, but there's no way if really knowing until you just do it. </div><div><br></div><div>But I will not make the first day of the new year, a day where I worry about the rest of the 364. It's all a fresh start & I'm going to just embrace it. I have the best teammate I could ever ask for & more support than I ever anticipated. </div><div><br></div><div>Today, let's just breathe. </div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-25103981761876361122015-12-30T01:06:00.000-05:002015-12-30T01:06:36.078-05:00So Today Was Nice<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">We were pretty much punched in the face by our landlord. He texted me saying he and his wife are moving back from Vegas to this house we are currently living in. So we have to find a new place to live no later than February 2nd. Goodbye, air in my lungs. So long best-laid plans for an awesome 2016. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">I don’t want a pity party, and I don’t want to be a Deborah here… but I had a solid plan in place for this year. We were gonna save money for a down payment on a home of our own, and it was for real gonna happen! Now, that feels like it’s all shot to shit. It’s looking like buying a home of our own and everything that goes with that will be just out of reach yet again. And yet again, it feels like the things I want are blowing away with the winds of change. I really don't ask for much. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">We’re going to have to move and everywhere that’s decent that will take us plus our dogs, is going to be at least $100-$200 more expensive every month in just the rent alone. That terrifies the shit out of me. I've gotten comfortable in the budget we've made for ourselves in the last 3 years. Comfortability is overrated. Just an illusion. I really don't want to be this bitter sounding or woe is me... because it shouldn't be that. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">I held it mostly together until Mike went to bed… but I just bawled my eyes out. Ugly sobs, snot, and hitching breaths. At this moment, I’m so disappointed in life…but mostly I'm disappointed in myself. I want to be just a couple steps further, and it seems that just when I get my footing, I slip backwards.<br /><br />This one really caught me for a loop. I've been very good at just trying to take things as they come, and not worry over things that don't even exist. Maybe if I would've been more aware, I could've saw this coming and been more prepared. I honestly thought we'd have at least another year in this house. Plenty of time for us to save for what we really want.<br /><br />It feels like I've let my little family down. That hurts. I just want the best for us. I want to provide a good and safe place for Abel to come to, I want a warm home that's full of the things that are us and we get to keep those things...that's where we store our memories. I want to start a family of my own...and I can't even get my own life right. Maybe I'm ahead of myself... ? I just don't want to feel like I'm so far behind. I feel like I deserve more than I get. But I guess everyone feels like that. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">My eyes are all burny and tired… but my mind is on fire and going 100 miles a minute. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">I’m so scared. I haven’t been this scared in a while. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px;">I know it’ll be okay, because we’re going to face it and get over it together. But right now, I just want to be able to feel like there’s something underneath me other than air. Right now, I've got no place to call home and I don't like that feeling. </span>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-75384739883161197382015-11-24T23:19:00.001-05:002015-11-24T23:19:11.547-05:00For This I Am Thankful...In true Thanksgiving fashion, I'm here to write about what I'm thankful for this year. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">There's a lot of ugly out in the world right now, so I feel like this is more important than ever. Important to take stock. </span><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I used to be the person who layed awake at night & worried over so much. I would think of all the things I needed to do the next day, then all the goals I still need to accomplish, then I'd wonder if I was enough. Enough to get where I wanted to be, enough to make people happy, enough to be the person everyone seems to think I am. I'd worry over things I cannot control; things completely out of my hands. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">But this year, I just let go. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I accepted that sometimes the wind isn't going to blow my way. Sometimes I'm going to have to adjust my sail. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> That's not to say, I don't lay my head down with the weight of the world still resting on my shiulders. But, let's just say it's considsrably less often. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I'm thankful for that inner quiet that whispers more than it screams. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I'm thankful that I grew in friendship & in family this year. I feel as though the stars have aligned in some way; I have a fantastic group of people I call my friends. They're people who really get me, and even when they don't they just smile & nod. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The last bit is a twofer. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">My best friend, my husband. There are no words that truley express how thankful I am for you. You are not so much the air I breathe, but the breeze that catches my feet to raise me up. You arr not so much my reason to smile, but my laugh just as it reaches joy. I am in awe of you every day. I love you. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">It is because of you I am most thankful for the little burst of sunshine I finally got to warm in. I am so thankful that I met my stepson. He gave me a jolt of energy & arenewed sense of purpose & self. I've lived him from behind the scenes, but it was really inspiring to step in front of the curtain. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">And for this I am thankful. </span></div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-17074859350998862632015-11-21T06:37:00.001-05:002015-11-21T06:39:20.719-05:00Today You Travel Back To The Sun...I fought sleep until I lost last night. I so badly did not want today to come. This has been the fastest 7 days of my life. I can't imagine how your Daddy feels. <div><br></div><div>You are his little cub & it's been so great to see him with you. It's been nice to see a different kind of love in his eyes & hear the gentle breeze in his voice. I hope one day you see how much he loves you. </div><div><br></div><div>You have become my best friend in just a few days. I love the way you laugh & the sound of your whispers in the morning. I feel so renewed, because you make me see the world differently. Thank you. </div><div><br></div><div>I didn't expect to take your leaving so hard. My stomach feels empty & my heart is missing a little piece already. I was so sure I could be strong because I knew (even though he didn't) that you having to go back home would break his heart. </div><div><br></div><div>I know we will see you again and even though it won't be soon enough, I'm going to carry that with me today. I have to hold it together because I know Daddy is going to want to fall apart, and he's allowed. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm going to get right to work on your scrapbook for your trip this week. I want you to have all these pictures & things from the places we've been, because one day they won't be able to still fit in your head. We will, you will make new memories with us. </div><div><br></div><div>We will move mountains for you little man. </div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-25778785918198022142015-11-15T07:45:00.001-05:002015-11-15T07:45:34.092-05:00Somehow The World Feels A Little BiggerI'm laying here in bed, the first gray light of the day is beginning to peek through the windows. My husband's breathing is slow & rhythmic as he sleeps. And I can hear tiny little snores just next to him. <div><br></div><div>The first night went by without an issue. He wanted to cry for mommy only once, but Daddy stepped in & told him it was okay & hugged him. There is something very moving in his interaction with his son; I am touched & falling even more on love. </div><div><br></div><div>My stepson opened right up to me. Let me hold him immediately & talked to me about Thomas the Train. We played hide & seek, I read him a book, he got to eat icecream & then we watched Thomas while he got comfy. I know this is just the beginning & I can feel him still just a bit cautious. But I'm so thankful to even have the opportunity to sit in the same room with him, that I could cry. </div><div><br></div><div>The world feels bigger when there's a toddler around. Everything has a freshness/ a newness about it. Being with him & my husband only solidifies my want of a family. </div><div><br></div><div>I can't wait to show him more of our world. I can't wait to see what today has in store. And it's been a while that I've felt renewed.</div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-29042393648305369502015-11-14T10:08:00.000-05:002015-11-14T10:08:34.329-05:00An Open Letter To You<br />
<br />
I know you will most likely never see this. I don't know if you would even want to read it. But I need to get this out there in the world, so it can stop filling me up.<br />
<br />
Thank you.<br />
<br />
I know you are not in my fan club, and you never will be. It took me a little while to be okay with that. I'm someone who hates it when someone doesn't like her. But I've grown in mind, body and spirit and have come to realize that it's okay. I've come to understand your anger, and the bad taste I've left in your mouth. Nothing I can say or do will ever convince you otherwise, but I promise this was all a timing issue.<br />
I'm sorry that I hurt you, that was never my intention.<br />
<br />
Thank you.<br />
<br />
It's important for me to let you know how grateful I am to you today. Despite your feelings for me, and the circumstances you are putting differences aside. I'm thankful that you are allowing this relationship to happen and you helped to make it happen.<br />
<br />
Thank you.<br />
<br />
While I don't want to pretend to know how you are feeling, I can imagine it's probably fear. Fear because I know it's not easy to let go. I know it's not easy to move forward. It's fucking terrifying. I want to let you know, he will be okay. Not only will he be with his father who loves him, would and has moved mountains for him, would dive in front of a bullet for him... but so would I.<br />
<br />
I will never ever take your place, nor do I want to. You are, and will always be <b>Mommy</b>.<br />
<br />
Thank you.<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of his life.<br />
<br />
From the bottom of my heart,<br />
-Stephanie-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-30539872582734667592015-11-14T08:35:00.001-05:002015-11-14T09:29:34.995-05:00Today Is The Day...Dear Abel,<br />
<div>
You are three and a half, and today is the day I get to meet you for the first time. Today is the first day of a week long visit with your Dad and I. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've been nervous for weeks. Today, I'm not nervous or anxious, but I am a flood of emotion since your dad left to get you. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've known you since before you ever felt the sun on your face. Still, I don't know if you know me, or know <i>of</i> me, or who I am to your dad, to you. Maybe, that doesn't matter because you will know me soon. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It's funny, I have had instant love for you since I saw your newborn photo. You will always be the first thing I loved without knowing anything about you. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I knew that your Dad was my other half then. I knew no matter what happened between us romantically, that I would always know him & would always know you. From that moment forward, I loved you like you were my own child; you are just as much a part of me as your Dad is. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The circumstances are not ideal, and they have taught me patience, selflessness and perseverance. You are worth every sleepless night, every argument, every penny spent and every deep breath we took to keep the peace. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I am so overcome with joy, relief and excitement for this day. I'm so thankful to your mommy for allowing this visit. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Today is the day. </div>
<div>
Today is just the first day and I can't wait. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Always. </div>
<div>
-Stephanie</div>
Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-74377215224518711712011-12-20T13:35:00.001-05:002011-12-20T13:35:53.379-05:00Something Old/Something NewSome day, I'd like to be one half of an amazing, adorable, old married couple. <br />
<br />
I just saw an old man & woman loading groceries into their car. They had a newer looking Lincoln & the old man was opening the driver's door to get to the trunk button. While he was doing this the old wife kept saying "It's open, dear. It's open, dear. It's open, you old deaf man!" <br />
He turned & smiled and asked her, "Are you hitting the trunk button?" <br />
She replied, "I'll hit YOUR trunk button." <br />
<br />
And they both laughed as they loaded their groceries. <br />
<br />
I pretended to tie my shoes just to catch a glimpse of this. I tied my laceless shoes just to remind myself, sometimes things DO last forever. Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-61152098217433929062011-11-28T01:48:00.001-05:002011-11-28T01:50:25.867-05:00And Then There Was Sunday...Now comes the part of my Tumblr where I actually write stuff about
things. I sort of made this silly promise to myself that I would write
more and while I enjoy writing, I’ve discovered (in reading past blogs)
that I do my best (and most consistent) of it when I’m heart-broken. I
found this thought rather sad and very UN-customary (is that a word? eh,
fuck it. it is now) of the person I really am. So to honor myself, and
the little emotional girl who lives inside of me, I will do more of the
writing about good things, and day-to-day and the stupid, silly things I
do, say or see. Because, quite frankly, <em>that’s</em> me. I’m not that silly girl who gets her heart broken every six months.<br />
Well… ok, maybe that girl lives inside of me too. But hopefully she’ll move out soon.<br />
————<u> </u><br />
As much as I look forward to long weekends, I secretly loathe them.
Those extra days only give Father Time a few extra punches in my head
that force me to think about things like feelings, and futures. Or it
gives him space to usher in more surprise attacks from pesky weeds that
continue to try and ruin my new garden I’m trying to cultivate. This
weekend was one of those weekends.<br />
<br />
You know, I did the same thing you did this Thursday (well if you’re
in the U.S.) I spent long overdue time with my family. Everything was
cool, and great at first but after about the first 10 minutes I began to
get that urge to drive the fork I was eating turkey with through my eye
socket. I tried to calm the beast inside of me with shopping, and it
worked. I got a killer deal on a Playstation 3 from Amazon. The console
(complete with 160gb hard drive), an extra controller, and 2 games
(Little Big Planet and some Ratchet and Clank game) all for the cool
price of $199, and a shout out to Amazon for the free shipping. So that
left me with a feeling of euphoria for the rest of my Thursday. I mean, I
got an awesome deal, and I didn’t even have to put shoes on. Or get
pepper-sprayed. All and all I’d say…SCORE.<br />
<br />
Friday was basically lame. I did nothing all day but watch marathons
of various shows on tv and I braved the crowds to buy Captain America on
Blu-Ray (for my new PS3 of course) for like $10 on a Black Friday sale.
I must say, I’m mildly obsessed with Black Friday shopping. Not for the
deals as I generally <strong><em>HATE</em></strong> shopping but for
the people. People get fucking retarded for Black Friday and I love it.
It’s like I can finally get a glimpse of what it must’ve been like
during caveman-times, or what the madness will be like when the initial
zombie apocalypse finally <em>does </em>happen and hordes and hordes of
people panic. I take a gigantic gulp of air into my nostrils and say
things like, “AHHH the smell of commerce!” (<em>Mallrats</em> reference in case you’re playing along at home).<br />
<br />
Saturday will forever be known as Dirty South day. He consumes my
Saturdays and every other one of my Sundays. Words can’t really express
what sort of feelings I’m having and/or developing for him. I think I’ve
mentioned it before in previous blogs but being with him is sort of
like walking for the first time. I feel like a baby deer. I’m all wobbly
and disoriented.<br />
<br />
<strong>——————TANGENT ALERT———————</strong><br />
<br />
This entire process in the getting to know and developing a
relationship has all felt very strange, but I mean strange in a good
way. I’m very much consciously aware of all of my limbs, my organs and
the words coming out of my mouth and everything is seemingly in control.
My heart and my brain and learning to work together like they’ve never
done before. <br />
Honestly, before I shed this new skin I would’ve already been head over
heels in love with this poor boy. I knew I couldn’t do that this time. I
owe it to myself not to fall too hard, too fast. His heart is an open
wound right now, and mine is just beginning to have the crime scene tape
removed from around it. I’ve got this white knight
syndrome thing I’ve discovered, or rather was pointed out to me by an
unlikely source, and I’ve really studied it and broke down my
relationships because of it. I seek out those that need fixing. And I
desperately try to fix them. Somewhere in this head, I think that if I
just love them enough, or care for them enough that they will somehow
wake up from the haze they’ve been living in and see that the world
isn’t such a cold place. Ya know, like a movie. What I’ve discovered is
that life isn’t a movie. (I know, right? DUUUHHH.) Usually all that
happens in real life is that you’re left with the decision of “Can I
continue to give myself up like this without anything in return?” or “Do
I want to spend the next 50-60 years of my life this way?” in the
long-run, you know it’s best to bow out, to walk away. Or crawl as I’ve
done. You’re left with emptiness. I made an effort to look at myself and
realize that this is what I was doing. Shooting myself in the
mother-fucking foot.<br />
Maybe I don’t really need to fix someone, maybe I can just find a guy who is broken, but doesn’t <em>need </em>me to fix him. He just wants me to <strong>be there </strong>to see that he can fix himself.<br />
I’m hoping that maybe I’ve found him. He’s just this beautiful boy
who is starting over and he doesn’t even see how bright he shines.
Actually I don’t think either one of us thinks the other sees how much
we light up the night. Perhaps, we can learn to be supernovas together?<br />
<br />
————<strong>END TANGENT</strong>—————<br />
<br />
Back to Saturday. Saturday was great, except for the appearance of a
weed in my garden. My ex, let’s refer to him as the D-Factor, randomly
text me. And I swear to you, I’m psychic. A couple weeks ago, he
appeared in my dreams 3 times in one week. Then, he “poked” me on
Facebook, which I ignored. Apparently, he still kept my phone number.
But it gets creepier. There I was sitting there with Dirty South, his
dad, his sister, and step-mom and his dad (who already admittedly enjoys
fucking with me) had just finished the sentence, “Oh so you have cooked
for someone! Is he still alive to tell the tale?” and ‘chirp.chirp.’
TEXT MESSAGE from none other than the person I devoted 14 months (8 of
which we lived together) to. I wouldn’t have known it was him as I
deleted his phone number back in August when I finally closed the door
on that part of my life, but his text mentioned the Norwood Water Bill.
He wanted to know if I’d gotten it… Um… What? I’ve been gone from that
house since February. Of course I haven’t. So I only text back a
one-word answer “nope.” And I got a 2nd text that was a desperate
attempt to start a conversation with me. But to no avail. I ignored.
Immediately got upset. Pushed that down into my guts as I was with great
company, and went along about my night. When we left his dad’s house,
he asked if I was OK. For once in my life with a guy I was totally
honest and didn’t hold back how I felt right at that moment. I told him
no. I wasn’t ok. I was upset that I’d gotten that text. I was a mixture
of angry and confused. I let him see the messages as he got this worried
crinkle in his eyes. He half smiled and said, “Looks to me like someone
is still in love with you. Too bad for him because it’s my turn now.”
We talked about it, and everything was fine but I still kept some
feelings pushed down. I broke out into hives when I drove home that
night. I cried. All the romantic feelings I have for the D-Factor are
gone. But despite his unwillingness to give, and his lie that he left me
with I still care about him as a person. I think I always will. As
gratifying as it is to know that he’s lonely, and to know that he is
desperately trying to get me back into his life somehow and that maybe
he’s starting to see that he fucked up royally… I still don’t want to
think of him sitting around that house alone, and sad. I want to be able
to laugh at him like Nelson from <em>The Simpsons </em>“Ha-Ha!” in a
‘you-made-your-bed-now-lay-in-it’ sort of way. But I can’t bring myself
to do be that way. Character flaw. So I dealt with those emotions and
came up with this:<br />
<br />
<em>Sometimes shit happens. You just have to choose to fertilize a new garden with it.</em>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-26445729749821072582011-11-20T23:36:00.001-05:002011-11-20T23:49:03.293-05:00Some Say I'm A Sap, I Say They're HeartlessHey you,<br />
<br />
<span class="mceItemHidden">Yeah I'm not even sure if you read my blogs
since I became the villain in this act of the play that is your life.
But I thought of you a minute ago and thought maybe if you did read
this, you would laugh. Even though we're not friends anymore, you should
still be able to laugh. So here it is: </span><br />
<br />
<i><b>HOOTS</b></i>.<br />
<br />
<span class="mceItemHidden">I hope you're doing well. I hope you found that
girl who is that delightful mixture of brainy, cute, hilarious and gives
as much as she takes if not more,</span> that you're looking for...or that you're at least a step or two closer.<br />
<br />
I hope <i>you </i>finally make <i>you </i>happy enough to know that it's OK to be by yourself.<br />
<br />
<span class="mceItemHidden">I hope your family is doing well, and that <span class="mceItemHiddenSpellWord">lil</span> baby brother of yours is well on his way to fitting into that <span class="mceItemHiddenSpellWord">Megadeth</span> <span class="mceItemHiddenSpellWord">onesie</span>.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="mceItemHidden"> </span><br />
I
hope that work is still rewarding for you and that you go to bed at
night knowing that even though where you are now is like a quicksand,
you're making a difference.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-65852713443310002382011-11-20T21:04:00.001-05:002011-11-20T21:05:35.524-05:00Give Up My GhostOn November 13th in some other dimension where you and I are still
together, we would've celebrated 2 years. I didn't even recognize the
date had passed until today as I was driving home from a perfect
weekend.<br />
<br />
I used to think of you often when I was alone. Wonder
what you were doing, and if you were happy. Maybe you're thinking of me
and wondering the same things. But this week you've made at least 3
appearances in my dreams. Completely non-sexual ways. But you were
there. So I felt this coming. I log into Facebook tonight and what do I
see but that fucking "poke". The dumbest tool on the Internet.<br />
<br />
This
is the proverbial "Have you seen my shaving cream?"
months-after-moving-out-on-you-call. I think you've been stalking my
Facebook for a while, and I've recently went private so you can't see
what's up in my life any more. Maybe that's why you did it. Or maybe you
<em>can </em>actually sense when I'm happy; when I'm moving forward; when I'm putting you behind me.<br />
<br />
Regardless,
as much as I wanted to "poke" you back. I didn't. I ignored it. You
threw me away as your girlfriend in February, but you threw me away as
your best friend in August. You need to leave me in the past too. I
meant what I said when I told you I'd never forget you, and that I'd
always love you.<br />
<br />
I've let you go. Now, you need to let <em>me </em>go.Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-5375974616790536942011-11-12T12:25:00.001-05:002011-11-12T12:25:42.068-05:00Star Crossed?My dad wishes I'd find a guy closer to home. I say some people have to cross oceans to get what they want, so what's a few county lines? Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-89987458576748247882011-11-12T02:09:00.001-05:002011-11-12T02:11:12.098-05:00Must Be Your Skin I'm Sinking In...Dear Heart,<br />
<br />
It's been a while since we formally checked in.
We've just been passing in the halls and giving generic waves and 'sups
to each other as we stroll by. This week has been a little different,
we've had some late night conversations while Stephanie's been sleeping
and a couple early morning ones while she's driving and not really awake
enough to realize that we're communicating. Heh. That's always fun. <br />
Anyway,
I just want to say that I've had some time to sit and think about what
you felt the other night when you said you were scared. I totally get
it. Gosh, we've been so out of sync for so long that it's like meeting
again for the first time. But I swear we make an awesome team.<br />
<br />
<strong>-You keep feeling scared.</strong> <br />
<em>- I'll keep telling you that you're being stupid and chill out. </em><br />
<strong>-You keep falling deeper. </strong><br />
<em>-I'll make sure we stay with our feet on the ground. </em><br />
<br />
I
know you know this and I'm not going to continue to beat a dead horse,
but you need to remember to slow it down. You're still on that 3rd set
of training wheels and while your boo-boos are healed, you still gotta
fear that bicycle a little bit. His heart has some things he needs to
heal from as well. You know what they are, you were just there a few
months ago.<br />
<br />
We made a conscious decision together, to get
involved in this. I think if we can stick it out through this healing
period, and wait for the creases to be ironed out that this guy could be
worth all the bullshit that you've put yourself through.<br />
<br />
I know what did smacked you. We spent the night. When the morning
came we found ourselves in his arms, with his nose in our hair. And at
that moment, we both said, "This is perfect." We shared the same
thought, the same idea, and we both knew it. It echoed throughout her
insides. Let's face it, it's good to see her <em>really</em> smile again.<br />
<br />
Partners in crime forever and always, <br />
The BrainStephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-24157377383101789002011-11-08T15:45:00.001-05:002011-11-08T15:45:46.322-05:00I Wanna Sex You Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWKoV3D5S0loEXvIgtMd9ffJy_c5k1Zk-DXPffIYfjSAnvP-vxoPcyNH42BqAGzI9TJEaf3OPue231TM101u_g4oIAME3WEBhrwUQD3KPcPgAjaC4YUy3Wd7o7ZGBDCROTKDbQuBW74-E/s1600/sextape.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="269" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWKoV3D5S0loEXvIgtMd9ffJy_c5k1Zk-DXPffIYfjSAnvP-vxoPcyNH42BqAGzI9TJEaf3OPue231TM101u_g4oIAME3WEBhrwUQD3KPcPgAjaC4YUy3Wd7o7ZGBDCROTKDbQuBW74-E/s320/sextape.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-75422243499491006462011-11-06T22:44:00.001-05:002011-11-06T22:45:33.880-05:00Your Brain Melts My ButterWe discussed the industrialization of the U.S and when you said "manifest destiny" I must admit, I think one of my ovaries exploded. Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-72277830555888329082011-11-02T01:21:00.001-04:002011-11-02T01:22:34.401-04:00DeadSpeakHearing your voice is like hearing some part of me that I thought was dead.<br />
<br />
I want your whisper to envelope my ears and shake me from my tomb.<br />
Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-67526228407010294612011-10-31T12:38:00.000-04:002011-10-31T12:38:58.098-04:00Happy Halloween...I'm Black Mail. (said in Batman voice)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZTG9Lo9qn3uKSXhfUs0JA4euIXJA_YgZxd9e1MowUYDP9y3qWOgMhOWh4wofMeZ48Wb8knoI2gYiMrA2DhyphenhyphenVTr0ps6k5zEm7d8PY477o0Brgzq938ryKIixLmY0-_vF8z-dkfrobLC0/s1600/blackmail.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZTG9Lo9qn3uKSXhfUs0JA4euIXJA_YgZxd9e1MowUYDP9y3qWOgMhOWh4wofMeZ48Wb8knoI2gYiMrA2DhyphenhyphenVTr0ps6k5zEm7d8PY477o0Brgzq938ryKIixLmY0-_vF8z-dkfrobLC0/s320/blackmail.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-76898165769259811282011-10-15T20:34:00.001-04:002011-10-15T20:35:41.055-04:00Raw Head & Bloody Bones<br />
<i> I wrote this for a writing class I took in 2009. I loosely
based it on a story my grandma loves to tell about her youth. She has
lived on the same street all of her life (74 years) and when she tells
me stories, I can't help but listen. I thought this time of year was a
great time to share this with the masses. Hope you enjoy! (I apologize
for the formatting... I copied direct from WORD) <br />
</i><br />
<i><br /></i><br />
“If you’re not in
before dark Raw Head and Bloody Bones will get you!” my mother yelled as the
four of us ran toward the field where we always played. I stopped dead in my
tracks. Just the mere thought of this monster brought the cold sweat of fear to
my body. In my head I pictured him as a giant skinless creature with blood
dripping from every limb. He was said to carry children away to his home and
eat them with his foot- long green teeth, bones and all. I glanced over to my
left; there was his home. The tree on the corner that looked as though it had
been there since God was a boy. Its branches reached into the sky like black
fingers reaching for the light of the sun. The bark was dark and most of the
leaves were dead. No one went near it, even in the day time. I peered into the
sky, placing my hand on my forehead to shield my eyes; the sun was still high
in the sky bright and happy, no moon in sight. There was still plenty of time
to play. I slipped my shoes off and began running to catch up to my brothers
and sister, my feet slapping the dirt road hard as I ran. <br />
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Hey!
Wait for me!” I called, clutching my shoes. I was the baby of the family. My
two brothers were racing each other to see who could get there fastest; I knew
they wouldn’t wait. A few feet ahead I could see my sister had stopped to wait
for me. She was always the one who waited; she never left me behind. I caught
up with her, and she scolded me for having my shoes off. </div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>“Put
your shoes back on! You don’t want that to get dirt in it!” she said pointing
to the bandage wrapped around my foot. A few days before I had been playing in
the barn with a pitchfork and had jabbed the tool through my foot, but it
didn’t hurt it just bled a lot.<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>“Oh,
you’re such a worry-wart,” I said. </div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>“C’mon,
hurry up! The boys will be heading back home before we even get down there,” my
sister said hurriedly. I steadied myself on her shoulder and put my shoes on
one by one. They were my sister’s old shoes; they were a bit too big but made
no difference to me. As long as I wasn’t wearing my church shoes to play in I
wouldn’t get into trouble. </div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We
made it down to the field; all the neighborhood kids were there playing
already. The boys were starting to pick teams for baseball and the girls were
gathered under a tree braiding each other’s hair and some were playing jacks. I
sighed. I certainly did not want my hair braided; jacks is a stupid game, and I
knew the boys would never pick me to play ball because after all, I was just a
little girl. My sister ran off to play with the girls, and I was left standing
alone. I decided to take my chances with the boys, so I ran to the baseball
diamond.<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span></div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>“Hey
Willard, can I play?” I asked my brother. His hair was the color of cotton and
his skin was tan like leather. He was already on 1<sup>st</sup> base standing,
ready to run. </div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>“No!
We’ve already picked teams, and besides, you’re too little <i _mce_style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;" style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> you’re a girl! Go find Rosie and play dolls or something!” he
yelled back at me as a pop fly ball went soaring into the air. I kicked at the
grass underneath my feet; my shoe came flying off and came down and smacked me
in the forehead. I took off my other shoe and began carrying them towards the
creek. I’d just find my own fun. </div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
spent the rest of the day down by the creek catching crawdads and frogs and
getting awfully muddy. I had just bent down to wipe the mud from my bandaged
foot when I realized, I couldn’t hear the rest of the children laughing and
yelling any more. I looked up and very little sunlight was peeking down through
the tree branches. I found my shoes, and made my way out of the woods. There
were no boys at the ball diamond. I ran back over the hill and down by the
shade tree. There were no girls braiding hair and playing jacks. </div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>“Oh
no,” I said aloud as I looked up into the darkening sky. The sun was going down
and home seemed so far from here now. I threw on my shoes on, and began to run;
visions of Raw Head and Bloody Bones propelled me forward, faster than I could
ever remember running. All I could picture was the monster swooping down out of
that tree, his long bloody and boney arms reaching for me. The smell of his hot
breath breathing down the back of my neck as I raced and I could hear the
gnashing of his teeth it sounded like nails dragging across a chalkboard.
Finally I came to it, the tree, and<i _mce_style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;" style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> his</i>
home. I stopped paralyzed with fear.<span _mce_style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div _mce_style="line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>The
sky was darker now; I could see the moon rising to take its place for the
night. I tried to run but I couldn’t; I stood there frozen staring at this tree
almost waiting for Raw Head and Bloody Bones to get me. Hot tears began to pour
down my face; this would be the last of me. I’d only got to live eight years
and the last thing I did on this Earth would be skipping rocks with a frog in a
creek. Suddenly, I thought I heard the sound of laughter high pitched and
maniacal coming from the tree. My body finally caught up with my brain and I
began to sprint, my long legs carrying me as quick as I could go. Again, I felt
his breath and smelled the sulfur from his belly and I heard the teeth chattering,
my muscles burned and begged me to stop running but I couldn’t. I refused to be
eaten. </div>
<div _mce_style="text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span _mce_style="mso-tab-count: 1;"></span>I
ran all the way home up the stairs of the back porch and ran in the door of the
kitchen to find my family all at the dinner table bowing their heads to say
grace. The look my father gave me was enough to make want to run back towards
that monster. I could’ve sworn I caught my mother smiling from the corner of
her mouth. She saw the look of fear on my face and that night, that fear was my
only punishment.</div>
<div _mce_style="text-indent: 0.5in; line-height: 200%;" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 0.5in;">
Raw
Head and Bloody Bones haunted me all the way into adulthood. Even after I had
my son some 20 years later, I could not walk past that tree without my knees
buckling and my heart sinking into my belly. The street looks
much different now. Telephone poles and cars now line the narrow street. Rather
than gardens and fields with horses, there is a park and a public pool and each
lot has a small one story home. It took a village to raise your family then,
but it only took one monster to change my life. </div>Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-15798205193654488742011-10-13T00:17:00.000-04:002011-10-13T00:17:58.229-04:00I Just Keep Seeing You Seeing Me...I can't believe it's really only Wednesday. Well, it's about to be Thursday in about fifteen minutes, or roughly the time I get this blog completed. Regardless, it should be later in the week, like say.... FRIDAY?<br />
<br />
I hope no cops read this because I'm about to confess an illegal activity:<br />
<i style="color: #f1c232;">I've been driving around with an expired license for 4 days. </i><br />
So I've decided I'm going to go down on Friday, and take care of that. I feel like I can really only press my luck until payday. Seems only fair.<br />
<br />
In exploring these new emotions I'm having recently, I've discovered that not only do I have a new perspective in which I'm seeing everything; I've also gained some new insecurities that I'm not proud of and that have proven kind of difficult to beat down. Don't get me wrong, I still feel great. It's as if everything I ever felt before has been enhanced some how. I guess even the air smells different. Like dead leaves really. But let's get poetic and metaphorical. We can say those dead leaves represent things I left behind, and pieces of a skin I finally shed completely. Yes, I'm now a snake.<br />
<br />
I've discovered that I've got a pretty dark fear of being left behind, of being forgotten, of being ignored. Because of this, I continue to try and keep Dirty South within an arm's distance. Emotionally, anyway. He seems incredibly incredible. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm awesomely awesome. He calls me "darlin", "pumpkin", "sweetheart", "baby", and the anatomically improbably but adorably endearing "bee's knees" all in this devilishly sexy southern accent. Damn you Rhett Butler. He's also smart, funny, strong, courageous, and with just a touch of vulnerability that draws me in like the soft glow of something shiny. Did I mention is so easy on the eyes that sometimes I just find myself staring at him and the teeniest bit of drool creeps out of the corner of my mouth? Because yeah...that happens. It's a fact. I'm a smitten kitten. But there's still that next level that is waiting to be unlocked. And I could fall.<br />
<br />
I could fall <u>really </u>hard. I've learned that in order to fall, you have to be okay with skinning your knees, or possibly obtaining some sort of broken bone or brain injury. I've slowly moved from traction, to wheel chair, to crutches, to ace bandages, to band-aids. Now I've taken the band-aids off but there are certain areas that are still a bit scabby and I'm trying not to pick them even though it itches. When I take the next few steps in this journey, it's going to decide a few things:<br />
1. "Seeing each other" will be kicked up a notch. Or to use a kitchen reference, the burner is going to be turned up on our kettle.<br />
2. I'm going to get way more emotionally invested, which means living a fair distance away will suck even harder. I'll have to be ready for lonelier nights.<br />
3. I'm ready to accept what lies ahead be it good, bad, ugly, awesome, terrible, stupid, what have you. That's kind of a big deal.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I should wear a helmet?<br />
---Naaaah. Nobody looks cool in a helmet. <br />
<br />
<br />
I've only been 29 for 4 days, and I got to say (like I say every year) this <b>will </b>be my year. <br />
<br />
<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-78281982306027781952011-10-11T10:09:00.001-04:002011-10-11T10:09:39.937-04:00In The Mouth Of Brilliance...<span class="body">"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master.</span>"<br />
<br />
-Khalil Gibran Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-82557810893281210642011-10-09T13:38:00.000-04:002011-10-09T13:38:16.904-04:00Prettier, Older, Wiser and I Want Some Chips...I am one year older now. Again, like with any birthday. I feel no different. I wonder if there is a certain age you hit where you wake up the next day and you <i>feel </i>that old. You <i>feel </i>that age. I guess maybe if you're lucky enough to live to be really old, and you just die peacefully in your sleep. I guess maybe that moment is the one where you actually feel how old you are.<br />
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<b>I'll let you know, when I make it there. </b><br />
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The start of my birthday actually started off with a decent day at work. Lots of laughter and "29? Really?!" conversation. The work day ended with amazing card from every one at work. It was signed by everybody, and not just simple signatures and "happy birthday" messages, many of them wrote some personalized tidings and that made me feel like a million bucks. I don't think I'll ever be able to move on from this company, or "the firm" as my boss and I have referred to it as. I don't want to ever move on from it. I think it's a perfect niche. Speaking of perfect. Friday night was also perfect. I had an amazing night with a pretty amazing guy, let's call him Dirty South, as I've been calling him that for weeks now any way.<br />
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He decided that we should do something/go somewhere neither one of us had been. That way the memory we make together is more special. (if that ain't the sweetest thing I ever heard...) So we went to <a href="http://www.deadacres.com/">Dead Acres AKA The Haunted Hoochie</a>. Haunted house attractions, corn mazes, leaves changing, that eerie feeling that surrounds you at night, the cool breezes, these are the reasons that autumn is always welcome to come around for me. My favorite parts of fall. The haunted house is set off in what appears to be a farm. It's complete with barns, silos, split rail fencing, the whole nine. It's been voted number one haunted attraction on Yahoo and I think I read that it's been on Travel Channel. After looking at the website I was excited, but once I picked up Dirty South, I must admit I was super excited.<br />
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For some reason, that I haven't figured out yet, he makes me an idiot. I have a hard time formulating words at certain points when we're together...hell, even when we're on the phone. I am not only blown away by the excellent bone structure and body, shiny eyes, perfect mouth, and adorable accent, I am taken aback by the genuine personality, intelligence, courage, and humor that falls out this man. Any amount of time I spend just talking to him is something I look forward to, but any moment I get to spend with him is seriously a gift from the universe. So yeah... I'm Smitten with a capital S. I look forward to seeing what else we have in store for each other, and where our paths will lead us. I enjoy him very much. Just writing this lil paragraph actually makes me smile.<br />
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After a long late night out haunted housing and hanging out, I got home bright and early... 6 am. I had to turn around and wake up at 8-ish so that I could spend the day at the local amusement park with my friend, and also my aunt and cousin wound up coming too...saved us $12 for parking. Woot. Needless to say, I napped for about an hourish and woke up and spent an awesome day riding roller coasters, people watching and eating over priced pretzels and drinking expensive fountain coca-cola. I always spend my birthdays with my family, it's a tradition. My grandma has a little birthday party complete with cake and family. It's a very warm place to be, and it will forever make me feel like I'm turning 9 instead of 29. By 9 o clock though, I was wearing thin, and slap happy came into play. I got a ukulele for my birthday that I began to play like some sort of punk rock legend...out of tune and all.... I boxed with my teenage boy cousin...we boxed like the old timey boxers and then just wound up slapping each other like girls. I listened to my grandparents tell stories around a backyard campfire, and my uncle told some of his own. It was a great night.<br />
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By 10 pm, I was pretty much dead to the world. I could drift off without saying good night to Dirty South, so I did and that was it... my day was done. Boom. Out like a light. I slept for 11 hours! I don't think I even moved. Today, I'm just laying around reflecting, looking for a house, and re-budgeting. Yay.<br />
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That's birthday weekend update, and I'm Stephanie.<br />
Deuces. <br />
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<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-40057371103937542072011-10-05T23:19:00.000-04:002011-10-05T23:22:02.470-04:00War Is Hell And So Am I...Ha. Wow. This is surprisingly comfortable. It's true my birthday is coming; it's in 3 days to be exact. I thought I would be a little down about it, considering this is the last birthday that I will have for my 20's. That's right this young girl face, is turning 29 years young on Saturday.<br />
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The more I think about it though, the more it just feels <b>right</b>. <br />
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I'm currently floating in uncharted waters emotionally, physically and mentally. I feel so much more whole than I felt last birthday and probably the birthday before that. I thought I knew what it felt like for my puzzle pieces to fall together. I thought I knew what it was like to not force them to fit together, to stop pounding down the edges to get it to look pretty and make sure all the corners lined up. I was wrong. I'm seeing that it's okay to be wrong, and it's okay to make mistakes, but all of this is only okay as long I learn from them. I think we are put in certain positions and situations in our lives so that we can learn lessons. I think that we are put through pain, so that we can understand pleasure. I think that we are put with people who show us the best and the worst in ourselves so that we can learn who we are, and we never stop learning who we are.<br />
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We are in constant <b>metamorphosis</b>. <br />
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A few weeks ago I had feelings of regret. It wasn't necessarily the person I regretted, it was who I was when I was with them. It was a time in my life when I wasn't the best me I could be. I hurt people. I hurt myself. I felt guilty. I felt resentment. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt regret. As awful as it sounds, these were emotions and actions that I had to go through in order to grow. I had to allow myself to go back and close doors that were still open, and I had to go back and burn bridges that needed more than charred. I don't think I would change any of it, even with the hindsight that I'm experiencing now.<br />
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This stuff has made my heart feel <b>free</b>.<br />
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Sometimes my life seems serendipitous. I spent time alone, I spent some time getting to know me, and going through the emotions of getting over someone for the first time since I started having boyfriends. I feel free. That's all I can explain it as, I don't feel burdened. I don't feel like I need to make myself into something/someone else. And boom, I met someone. Granted, I've made the mistake before of getting waaaaay into someone before I should and just letting my heart do whatever it wants. That sort of thing has gotten me into trouble and has only really led me to get my heart-broken. In this situation, my brain is involved. I'm not looking for seriousness, but I would not be opposed if it happened. I kind of just want to see where life leads us. I can say for a fact that I genuinely enjoy talking to him, I look forward to it. He's smart, funny, philisophical, mechanical, and when he talks he's so excited about the things he's interested in. It's fucking engaging. I feel like when he talks, I'm just sitting there staring at him like a geek. Most likely, because I am. There is a ridiculous amount of chemistry between the two of us, in fact, it's nuclear holocaust. I fear that if we join forces, it will cause fallout. As far as I'm concerned, totally worth it.<b> </b><br />
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I'm excited to see where life is going, rather than waiting for the bottom to drop out. Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-14557511929170214782011-10-04T21:57:00.000-04:002011-10-04T21:57:19.319-04:00I'm Terrible At Vlogging...and blogging for that matter.<br />
This is the precise reason I never had a diary or journal growing up. I'd forget to write in it on the daily. Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6974436051987690035.post-48279350278456554292011-10-02T13:16:00.001-04:002011-10-02T13:18:40.068-04:00First Dates or How I Became A Fan Of The Confederacy...*the names have been changed to protect the ridiculously good-looking.<br />
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So I had a date Friday night. Yes, I just actually admitted I had a date. This in itself is a big step, as I'm always the girl who says, "It's not a date you guys! We're just friends!" But this was a date. Mutual interest. Mutual attraction. Mutual want for something better than we have now, and what we've gotten in the past. Yep, a date. Now normally, I'm not one to get nervous over such things as dudes but the anticipation of meeting this one made me ridiculously nervous. I think I probably burned 4500 calories in just leg-shaking all day on Friday, bit off every nail on my fingers, and compulsively checked my face for pop-up breakouts. Nerves. Nerves. Nerves.After getting home from work and just sitting around and calming myself... my nerves subsided and I was ready. Ridiculous excited..but ready.<br />
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It's been a while since I've had any real interest in anyone. I had the break-up the very end of January, the mistake turned disaster at the end of March up until sometime in May, then the re-try at the end of June. That really gave me closure on something I always thought would be an open door. But I closed it. It hurt, I hated it, and I cried for a while about it, but I needed to close it. I was holding myself back from ever finding someone who can truly put me first, and I can finally give my heart to somebody who knows what to do with it. It can finally be on the level, and on the equal.<br />
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Needless to say at this point, I had an interest in this boy. But now that I've met "Dirty South" I have put a cape on that interest and called it <i>SUPER </i>interest. Now, he was already in the positives on the point scale before he got there but him driving 2 hours to pick me up for this date basically put him way out of range from dipping into the low side of that scale. Everyone who knows me personally, knows that act in itself speaks very loudly to me. Anyway, he jumped out of the car and kissed me right on the mouth... he did warn me of this before he even got there, but I just took it as all talk... nope..he made good on that threat. As far as I'm concerned, he can continue to threaten me. Haha. We went for dinner, talked and talked, and talked, made out, and talked, and talked, made out again, and talked, and made out, talked and talked and then made out again.. and talked for I think like 3 hours, but it didn't feel that long at all. Felt like 3 minutes. God, even in just writing a blog about it I'm having trouble formulating words... apparently, he makes me stupid.<br />
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I can't drag this out any longer, lemme just end it by saying I had the best time, and I'm hoping for many more dates in the future.If potential had a region it would be the Dirty South. <br />
<br />Stephaniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01205371308220678639noreply@blogger.com0