After having one of the crappiest weekends I can remember in a few years, my mind was really racing and I did feel better after writing that blog but it didn't change what was happening...nothing could. My relationship had imploded and a break up was inevitable. For about a month I noticed a great change in our dynamic, and I had diluted myself into believing "If I just keep going about and doing what I always do, it'll go back to how it used to be..." and without realizing it I had started to believe my own lie. That this was meant to be.
In the beginning of it all, I felt like this was it. I found my one and only, the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. He was seriously too good to be true for me. I'd spent a bunch of years in the dark, and he just lit up my world. But all of a sudden, something changed and I felt pushed away. But at the same time, I just wanted it to work. I've got something inside that just makes me not give up until all the life is squeezed out of something. So I did. I fought for it, got it back only for it to blow up again. I didn't even realize what I was doing until it was put in front of me by the person I love the most, and the person that was letting me walk away because that's what was best for us.
So I'm single again. I've not ridden this ride for very long, and I hate this ride. The line is too long, and I'm waiting in it by myself. Who likes to ride rides alone? I hold no hard feelings towards him; I never would or could. I love him too much, and we've shared our lives for over a year. He's an incredibly brave, courageous, smart, caring, genuine, honest, funny, and all around good person. Maybe one day we can be amazing friends, I hope so. I also hope somehow he can find some real happiness either by himself or with someone new. I want him happy. He deserves it.
But I deserve it too, so I'm glad he gave me the push to walk away. Otherwise, I would've just kept fighting.
This brings me to an epiphany I came upon when my iPod decided to play a song called "I've Got All This Ringing In My Ears But None On My Fingers". The first line of the song is "You're a canary, I'm a coal mine..." I looked up and I realized, "That is exactly what I've been my whole life, a canary in a coal mine." For those of you who don't understand the analogy, back in the day coal miners had the most dangerous jobs in the country. They would have to go down into the earth with no kind of harmful fume/gas detector or ventilation system, and a lot of men died from carbon monoxide and methane poisoning doing this. So they would take a little caged canary down into the mines with them because for some reason a canary has a high sensitivity to these fumes and would stop singing and this would tell the miners to get out immediately. The canary's small life was short but it meant a lot to these guys. No one can be quite sure if they knew what was coming to them, but they sang anyway.
I've been getting into these relationships and singing my little heart out even after I detect the smell of toxicity. Stupid dramatic things have happened in my life (non-romantic) and I kept chirping away. And that's what it's about, and that's what I'm discovering. Live your life like a canary in a coal mine. You can't control your fate, but sing your little heart out any way.
That's why I'm the canary and you're the coal mine.
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