I'm Not Asking For Everything..But Sure I Could Use A Hand

I'm feeling weird. It seems like this time last week, I was feeling great and not quite on top of the world but a little closer to it., and now I just feel so down. I'm trying to figure out where and how it happened. I'm having a hard time just pulling myself up and over it. So I figure maybe if I write it all out, it might lighten the load.

When we worry, we're supposed to just give our worries to God. He doesn't want us to worry, because He's in control and if He's the driver of the car we can't crash. But with all this free-will business we were given, it's hard to just relinquish that into His hands. I've done it before, and I know it works, but it's hard. I also know that when we're given obstacles in our lives, it's just a test of faith. I just read through the book of James last night, and I'm completely OK with having my faith tested, because I've reaped the rewards before and it's worth it. I just need to get back to a point where I can let go and allow my heart to not feel so heavy. I almost feel like, I was feeling so good and thankful that the Devil heard me and came running. While I was sleeping he whispered in my ear that I can't pull myself out of my financial hole, that I don't deserve to have a man (whom I think is incredible) in my life because I can't make him happy, and that I don't deserve to be happy.

So I've ran around all week, trying to go above and beyond. Scrimping and salvaging away pennies, sacrificing going to hang out with my friends, pulling things out of storage to sell, finding old jewelry to sell to the gold dealers, just ANYTHING to get it in my head that I'll be all right financially. I've gotten up in the mornings and packed his lunch as a surprise so he didn't have to, I've left him little notes to say that I love him, I've asked too many times "Are you ok?" and "Are we ok?" to the point where I think I've just become annoying.

I've been praying for help and guidance here, and the courage to just give it away, let Him work it out. Because in my heart, I know I'll be all right with my money, I know I deserve this relationship, I know I make him happy (when I'm not being annoying haha) and I know that I deserve to be happy.... because a lot of good was given to me after a long time of wandering around lost. I've got a flashlight, a map, and a compass now...so I gotta find out where to go next.

Plus in the background of all of this, I feel a friendship sinking. I'm not even sure how that happened, but that's yet another thing I've got to let go and give it over...

I guess these feelings are all about transitioning. We constantly transition in life, and sometimes it's not something we like and the steps we take aren't always on flat ground, but it's always something important we're heading towards.

I just need to step back and breathe. Maybe we all should.