Here's To The Nights...and many more.

I was walking the dogs this frosty morning and it occurred to me that I hadn't wrote anything for the public to read in quite a while. I've been really in to myself recently, and have spent most of my days quipping witticisms at work, offering advice to those who ask, and scribbling cute post-its for David's lunch. I mean, I wrote him a lunch poem on a post it a week ago... how sickeningly clever. Someone told me the other day that I should write more. I hear it all the time, but the person who said it isn't someone I'd consider a close friend, and it's someone whom I think just knows my writing and my brain, from my Facebook. She says, "you have a way with words". A little light began to heat my insides and gave me a burning to write something, but things happen and that little flame goes out and you forget.

I read through my post from last New Year, when the year turned into 2010. Looking back on all of that, 2009 seems like such a dark time. Actually a good portion of the last 4-5 years seem like a dark time in my life. Everything sort of came to a head in 2009, and I almost imploded under it's weight. But I grasped that last bit of rope I had left and rather than hang myself with it, I pulled myself up and I finally got to see daylight for the first time in what seemed like forever.

2010, was really about self-discovery. My idea and identity of myself had been completely wrapped up inside  a relationship I tried so hard to save, but in the end it wasn't right. It never would be, and I hate that it took so long to see it, but I believe God never puts us in situations that we can't handle, and that we don't need to be in. I learned so much about the woman I could be while I struggled in that relationship. Not only struggled in my romantic relationship, but in the relationship with my mother. In 2010 I finally realized who I am, and I am more than OK with myself. I am not crazy, I am not dramatic (well, no more than any other woman), I am not stupid, I am not afraid, and I am not stuck.

I didn't find these things out on my own. It took an unbreakable circle of friends, a loving family, an unshakable faith, and a man who continuously surprises me with his courage to be better than who he once was, and where he could be. I can't even begin to explain how and why all these things formed together and became everything I needed to be my own light. I may be all I need to get by, but I need all of those things above to get through.

My last day of 2010 was an eye-opener. I nearly lost something I hold the closest to my heart. I know that it was just a mess of emotions, and confusion now but as it was happening all I could do was try and feel my heartbeat and make sure she was still in there. I needed to know that even though my heart was breaking, that the woman I'd become was still in there, and she'd pull herself out of whatever would happen. I hit my knees hard that day. Many may not know it, or get to see it all the time, but I have an unwavering faith in God. He is the only one that has always been there through everything that I've gone through, and knows all my secrets, all my thoughts, and all the things I try to hide from the world. He listens. We may not always get the answer right away, or it may not be an answer we want, but He always answers. So my heart cried out for guidance and strength to understand what was happening. And before the end of the  night, I got my answer.

The clouds have lifted and my heart feels whole again. She was still in there, and he never left. But I will not take for granted something that I feel was my reward, and maybe that's just what 12/31/10 was, a wake-up. Nothing gold can stay... but it won't tarnish if you take care of it. My grandpa always says, "If you take care of your things, your things will take care of you." I think that applies to more than just cars, appliances and homes. It applies to our hearts as well.

Am I still insanely in love? Yes, I'm absolutely retarded for David. As far as I'm concerned, he's my gift from The Man Upstairs. Those gifts require the most care. My puzzle pieces are fitting together, I've got all my corners together, and while I've been putting it together upside down with the brown facing out, the picture is starting to turn over and it's more beautiful that I could've known. I will weather any storm, and I will love until I have nothing left because that's just who I am. I think we're forever, and I think it's going to take patience, laughter, bravery, and a lot of heart to get to the end of infinity. And those are the things you will always appreciate most when you're laying on your deathbed and all you have are memories. I want to remember that I loved with 100% of my heart. Thank you, 2010 for helping me get to know me.

-Stephanie-