Dear 2009,
This letter to you has been a work in progress in my brain for a couple months now, and then when I finally have to get it out there it's not done. I'm hoping it winds up being as epic as it is in my head. Then again you know me '09... I always have the highest hopes, and things have had a tendency to become mediocre right before they crash and burn. Well, here's to hopin'.
I'm sure you know this due to our countless sleepless nights together, and our screaming matches but I'm going to put it out into the "blogosphere" so it will be written in stone so to speak. From the minute you started, I was over you. What I don't think I've said to you are the reasons why I hated you, of which I have twelve. I also don't think I've made it clear that while I spent the good majority of your life hating you, I did forgive you before you died. But let's get this out here so we can all feel less suffocated.
January- You came in like thunder. I had such high hopes for you as your sister ('08) before you was decent but I wanted you to be better, and have a little more something to offer. I had the expectations of new friends, renewed faith in my love, new successes, and the completion of goals I had set for myself. I celebrated your birth with the new friends, and as I mentioned before...things became mediocre right before everything crashed and burned that night. I lost a friend I'd had for what seems like forever in teenage girl years. And I remember uttering the words, "So this is how it starts." I ate my words approximately 22 days later when I was fired from the job I'd had for 3 years and was finally making decent money... I was blind-sided. This began our feud.
February through April- You continued to fester with your infection. I can't recall any highlights from these months I just remember an endless search for a job, and the constant struggle to eat, pay rent, keep the lights on, and function as a "grown-up" for these months. I celebrated 7 years with my first love and tried to keep my relationship afloat even though I could feel it sinking in black, inky waters. And all the while you were digging a little deeper into my veins.
May- You messed with my mind, and gave me false hope. I got and amazing job on May 22nd, Joshua made it to 30 years old, and things really seemed to start turning around.
June and July- You came thisclose to breaking me but I kept my fingertips hanging on. I lost my apartment, but luckily I found someone to take over my lease who was responsible. I did the thing I wanted to to least in the world, moved back in the basement of my parent's house. Although I'm super thankful that I had a place to go, it's very cliche to be 27 and living in your parents basement....and not the cool kind of cliche. Joshua seemed to get worse, and was in and out of the hospital...and life got a little bit scarier in all aspects. I was left with a feeling of uncertainty and all my primal fears were exposed.
August- You thew me a hand grenade and I pulled the pin. After months of going in and out of the hospital and months of arguments that were silly, and years of struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had made myself physically sick over my first love. Reality came and slapped me in the face one day and I realized that I could not go on living this way... it was not good for either party involved and the last thing I ever wanted to do was grow to resent someone who helped mold me into what I've become today, someone who taught me a lot about how to love and had me feel beautiful. I was scared, tired, and had never felt more alone. I stopped walking up the mountain I'd been hiking for 7 years and never getting to the top. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
September through October- You cradled me in your arms and let the sunshine hit my face. I fell into a somewhat dark place within myself these months. I had been someone's everything for so long, I wasn't sure who I was any more and didn't know how to pick up the peices. I'm incredibly thankful to have the friends, family and faith that I have in my life, otherwise I'm not sure where I would be now. I learned a lot about myself in these months, turned another year older, and really started gluing the parts that were missing back together. I started to realize what you'd been trying to show me throughout your short life. You gotta roll with the punches sweetheart.
November through December- We held hands as you passed on, and you told me that everything would be okay. It almost took the full 365 days of your existence for me to finally understand what you were trying to show me, but I finally got it. I spent the better part hating you, and I'm sorry for that you never deserved it. I just didn't see that this was all a lesson that had to be learned and in order for me to put everything back together, and find all those things that I've been looking for I had to suffer. When we suffer and sacrifice and hurt for things, it makes everything all worth it. I think I've found someone who compliments me better than I thought anyone ever could again. My smile has come back and the light that had left my eyes has returned and I really only have you to thank for it.
So 2009 it is a bittersweet goodbye that I leave you. We were "frenemies". I will not soon forget you, and I will never forget the things that you've done for me.
Adam Duritz (Counting Crowes) wrote one of the most relatable songs of his career a few years ago, but the last few lines of the chorus never really had such a meaning for me as they do now. "....and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last. Can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold to these moments as they pass..."
Cheers 2009.
-Stephanie-
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