Now Nothing But The Water Is Gonna Bring My Soul To Bare...

Lookit me writin' all these days in a row n shizz! It's like I'm on some kinda roll or somethin'. Let's not ruin it by talking about it though, my subconscious will get word and this will be the last post for like 3 months.

Well, it's been ... hmm... I'm not sure what adjective I want to use here... how does one describe the beginning of a catharsis? Rough? Emotionally draining? Mentally exhausting? Oh, I know what I wanna use. Empty. I feel empty. I've been feeling hollow for a while, I think since February. I've been trying to fill myself with the things that make me feel full. Absolutely, I didn't  don't want to be alone. Absolutely, I didn't don't want to start over.

But ya know what sweetheart? You have to.

Forgive me for repeating myself, but I gotta get through it and this is how I know how...to talk/write it out even if it's repetitive drivel. I tried to force myself to fall in love with someone, who had a lot of what I was looking for, and maybe in another time in life I would've fallen for him. But not now, not the woman I'm still growing into. I still feel remorse for pulling him into the mess that is me. I said "I love you" and I didn't even mean it... that's a sin in itself to me, and I think that's what I'm most sorry for. I hope he knows that. I didn't plan for any of this. I didn't plan or intend to break his heart. As with all the men who've passed romantically through my life, I have no ill feelings. I don't think the break-up was handled with the utmost maturity, and it got a little uglier than it should've, but our emotions have a tendency to rule us at times. So the things that were said, written, thought etc, are all forgiven. I think we both learned some things, and how to approach the next person who enters our lives. That's what's important in break-ups I think, the lessons. I wish him well in life, and I know eventually he will find the actual girl of his dreams, and she will love him back with all she's got just like he will love her. And I will just be a memory.

With Ex Squared, it's a little different. My heart breaks, and my breath still stops. There hasn't been a month that's gone by since the break-up where there weren't a few nights where I woke up in the dark not knowing where I was and missing him terribly. I miss the mornings with him the most I think. The mornings where he would come home from work, and I would surprise him with pancakes and bacon so he could have breakfast before he went to sleep from working 3rd shift. The mornings where he would just come in the bedroom and wake me up just to make sure I wasn't late for work, but he'd wake me up waaay too early just so he could talk to me about nothing at all. I miss our trips to the grocery store, and I hate the grocery store. I miss my "Bread Whisperer" and pushing him in the parking lot while he rode on the end of the cart like a big kid. I want to feel that way again. I wanna feel like my puzzle fits, or is coming together. I've never been happier than when I was with him, he brought me out of such a dark place that I'd been hiding in and he loved me all through it. I never doubted his feelings for me, even when it was over. Right now, I'm typing this and my chest literally aches. But again, soon I'll be another memory...and so will he.

I know that with time these feelings will dissipate, and once I figure myself out, the right guy will come along. I know that the way I feel about him will blow everything else out of the water, which is amazing to me because I can't fathom it right now. My head might explode. "Someone fantastic will come along" my dad says. And my dad has never lied to me. :)

Patience is a virtue. But it's like my dad said to me today:
"Happy endings for those that are (patient) fairy tales say so..."