Nevermind, I'll Find Someone Like You...

I had originally had the plan to wait a few months before confession. That is to say, confession to my ex squared (as in little 2), that I still love him and wanted to know where he stood. Well, I couldn't wait. It came down to the fact that I was really only denying myself one of two inevitable things:

1. Extreme happiness and a sense of completeness with a dash of fright.
or
2. Sadness, but closure on something that never really got any to begin with.

So I awoke out of a dead sleep at 4 am with an unshakable urge to just get it out. I grabbed my laptop and just let the feelings flow out of my fingertips. After about 30 minutes of pouring my heart out, I felt better. I felt empty, but at least he'd know how I felt. He is worth taking every chance I have, and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I settled with someone when I could've had him if I just would've bled a little. The thought of settling, chills me to the bone.  At the end of the letter I asked him not make any snap decisions and to sit with it for a while. But he didn't, he wrote me back right before he had to go to work.

A few weeks prior to all of this, we met and talked. We talked about what we were doing now, and we talked about the break up and he confessed to me that he has never stopped loving me, and that I was the only girl he's ever honestly loved, and for the first time ever he really thought he could spend his life with me. But I was in the midst of trying to force something to work, and the little rational part of me that was still working, said "But we don't want the same things, and I don't know if that's something you changed your mind about, or if I could ever feel comfortable with you changing your mind about. I can't go through all of the pain of losing you again if we were to end." The thing I want is to be a mommy someday. Not a houseful, not tomorrow, not even within a year...but eventually. He doesn't. He has some completely valid and understandable reasons, and I would never want him to change his mind for me... I'd want him to do it for himself. I wanted to stay with him then, I wanted to throw my arms around him and just slip back into his life and be happy again and have my little family I had going. But I didn't. I didn't even hug him, or let him grab my hand. Hardest thing ever.

His answer to me was that we were never really over for him until we had that meeting, and I walked out. He said he realized he needed to put the pieces back together and move forward too, and he says he has. He still thinks about me, and still has strong feelings for me, he says we've been drifting in and out of a reality that we could actually work forever. We don't want the same things. He left it with "don't date any more losers Stephanie. You're way better than that." and that was it.

I have to say that my heart didn't explode like I thought it was going to. I think 80% of me expected him to say he was over it. But that last little 20% needed to hear it from the source. It sucks, I'm hurt, and I still have this feeling that no one will ever make me weak in the knees, give me those butterflies, set off fireworks, take my breath away, or love me like he did/does. I know that's not true, but it's still a motion I have to go through. I cried about it a little bit today, but not as much as I thought I would. Because I know that this is what I needed. I absolutely needed to know that I tried everything I could. I did. He knows everything. One thing I've always loved and admired about him is his honesty. He is the only guy I've ever known who has never lied to me, just completely genuine. And he has the ability to say what I need to hear, not what I want to.

I want so many good things for him. I want someone to peel away the rest of that shell that I chipped off, as much as it kills me right now to know that it won't be me, I want it for him, but I want her to be worth it. I want him to have every happiness that life can bring. I want him to realize that he's not as terrible as he thinks he is. He's more than a melody. I'm, of course, crying as I type this because I won't be there to see if he ever gets those things. And if he does, it won't be with me.

I have my little piece of him that I'm keeping, and he has a piece of me that he can keep.

Now that book is closed, and I can start a new one. The epilogue is going to be me being by myself learning what I can do, learning what I need in my next relationship, and learning what I can do and how to feel it again. So you get to see page 1 here... this is it.