I'm currently reliving angsty emotions and the confusion of new relationships, and falling for someone. It's all very Claire Danes ala "My So Called Life". It's forcing me to blog at midnight when all I really had intentions of doing was sleeping... stupid feelings.
It seems I've ventured from one end of the spectrum to the other, as far as mating goes, as far as I can tell it's a good thing... just kind of scary and it makes the girl who thought she knew everything, suddenly seem unsure of herself. With Joshua, I always knew where he stood as far as his emotions were, I may have not always understood them, but I always knew what they were. He is a very intense person, and whatever he felt he expressed it with a lot of passion. This can be a burden and a blessing. The new guy in my life, is very much a "man's man", which is not something I'm all that used to in relationships. I mean, my dad is totally the strong silent type, but I never really sought it out in a boyfriend. Not that he's not passionate about his feelings, I just don't think he knows how to be as passionate in his expressions of them. This guy has everything I could want, and that builds a healthy relationship, a good job, stable finances, his own place, attainable goals, similar plans for the future, great sense of humor, super smart, affectionate, he just seems a lot of a good thing.
Then there's that part of me who seeks out the chaos I'm so used to. Where if I don't get a text message back right away, I'm wondering what I said wrong, or if he's realized I'm not who he thought I was. Or if he doesn't say the "right thing" in my mind, that he's over me and will be moving on as soon as the time comes. I've thrown myself into panic mode a couple times already over this kind of stupid stuff. That's the thing, I realize it's stupid, even as it's happening... but I still feel it. It's like, I crave everything that he's offering so much, but I don't know what to do with it once I get it.
Also, I'm having a hard time with this whole "am I in love" business. There are times when I look at him, or think about him and I really think, "I'm absolutely in love with this guy." but then I over-think it, and say things like, "Well how do you know you are?" He hasn't said it to me or anything, but he has said things that lead me to believe he is in this for the long haul, and sometimes when I catch him staring at me when he thinks I'm not looking, I think he wants to say it so badly... but doesn't because he knows all of the things I've been through, and everything that I felt and he doesn't know if I'm ready for the whole package yet. Am I? I really think he could be my destination. Everything that I've went through, and the lessons I've learned... that this is the person that I was supposed to find. In a million years, he's not what I ever thought I'd end up with, or even that someone like him would be in to someone like me.
This is all coming from a girl who is so used to just letting things fall into whatever place they fit in to... I'm now trying to make the pieces fit. I don't want to wind up bending the puzzle so that the corners stick up at the ends.
I want to scream I love you from the top of my lungs, but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me...
-Stephanie-
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