I'm feeling pretty nostalgic today, but not the kind of nostalgic where it makes you feel happy, this sort of nostalgic I'm feeling makes me feel empty and lost. I'm not sure why, but today I'm really missing him. I'm really missing everything we used to do together, even when it was just nothing at all. I'm missing the way I used to catch him looking at me, when I wasn't even doing anything but watching tv or talking to someone. I miss hearing his laugh. I miss seeing him smile. I miss hearing him say my name, and telling me he loved me every day. I miss hearing his ringtone, and seeing his picture come up when he called, i miss getting silly texts messages from him. I miss laying with him and watching a movie together. I miss his touch.
I think for the past week I've been looking for something that gives me those same feelings, and I can't find it. I don't think I've been trying to avoid feeling the emptiness, I think I've been trying to avoid the feeling like I'll never feel the same again. I'll never have the same feelings that I had with him, I know I'll find some sort of happiness but it won't be what I had, and that is killing me. I know that I did what was right for the both of us, it didn't seem right to hang on to something that was dying that I couldn't save any more. I couldn't carry both of our burdens, and I'm really wishing today that I could've been a little stronger.
I haven't found the strength to delete his number out of my phone, or his pictures from my computer. Someone asked me about my rings and the necklaces he gave me and where they were and why I didn't wear them and what I was going to do with them. It doesn't feel right to wear them, especially the one with the rubies and diamonds, my promise ring. Today, I put the other ones on, but it was to somehow create a closeness with him again. I miss him so much today, and nothing is taking it away.
"One day we'll get nostalgic for disaster..."
I wouldn't bother seeking things to make you feel the same.. or to "take it away". You will fail. T'is what it is. Nor would I avoid the feeling that you will never feel the same, because you won't! We are not soulless cyborgs that can be easily replicated by 1's & 0's.. I don't think. What you felt for J is unique. Whoever you find.. maybe it will be better.. or worse, but NOT the same. Just as you will be unique to another..
ReplyDelete..but then.. B weary of my advice.. I could be full of .. uknow.
Delete his pictures. Give the rings away. Say goodbye to the past. Delete his number. He isn't your future. Let go of him and find you.
ReplyDelete