If I Just Lay Here... Would You Lay With Me And Just Forget The World

No I didn't forget that life goes on even when you don't want it to, and no I didn't forget that this was my decision, and no I didn't forget that I gave up.

I just wanted to.

My heart is still beating but I wish it wouldn't. I'm not sure how it can without him, but it does. I miss him so much tonight, more than any other night thus far. I saw his picture tonight and everything came rushing back like some sort of flood filled with memories of smiling and laughing and all the things we began with.
I've never had to do this before, and I wish I didn't have to now. People are always saying how strong I am, and that I'll be okay. That's really all a front. Tonight, I feel so completely destroyed and empty like I'll never have a good feeling again that this is really my life now.

I want to tell him everything he meant to me and I want him to know that this is not how I wanted things to go. I never want to be without him, and that I don't ever think I'll get over him and I'll never love any one like I love him. I want to tell him how sorry I am for the way I ended it, and that I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to hold on any more. I want him to know that nothing feels the same without him, the sun doesn't shine as bright, food doesn't have a taste, I don't want to smile without him, I never want to hold anyone else's hand or look into anyone else's eyes. I don't want to get out of bed, and I don't want to fall asleep.

I want to hear his voice again, I want to see him smile, I want to hear him say my name, I want him to put his hand on my knee, I want him to tell me that everything will be ok. I don't want to forget anything, but I don't want to remember it either.

I haven't figured out how I'll make it on my own without him there to talk to and lean on when I need to. I don't really know who I am without him, and I'm not sure who to be. I haven't quite figured out how to really start to pick up the pieces. I've been trying, and I've been faking for others but tonight everything just hit me again and it feels like that day all over.

My heart hurts.