Things I Never Needed...

So yes, I made a mistake. It's funny what you can do to yourself and not even notice or care about it until you realize you're hurting someone else. I broke it off with said boy from the last few previous posts. Something about it was never right. I started talking to him at the end of March, and he was seemingly smart, funny, a nerd, and a musician. Sounds good. We started talking on the phone (i met him on okcupid) and I talked to him for hours for I think about 2 or 3 weeks, and we decided to meet. In the beginning of our talking (and on my okcupid profile) I specifically stated that I was not looking for a relationship. I told said boy that I was not really over the events that had just transpired roughly a month or so before-hand. I was a bit starved for attention and affection, and I really just needed someone of the male species who was cute to tell me I was cute. Girls are like that. We're suckers sometimes. He said he would wait, and everything was fine...but within a few days he was already professing the notion that he was sure I was THE ONE. This is when my red flagging signals failed, or rather, I ignored them, and I trenched forward desperately trying to get some sort of feelings other than the sick sadness I felt. I won't lie, it was nice to hear about how amazing I was am, and to have someone dote on me for a little bit. But after a couple weeks, it became almost painful because I knew I was not this girl who liked all of this attention, and hanging on every word I said and existence only for me. I was being the girl who wanted so badly to please someone whom I thought was nice, to a fault. Selfless to a fault. That should be on my damn resume. It's my undoing every time. I continued to struggle with these feelings of how to stop this from happening, or if I should (maybe I could make myself love him if I faked it til I made it) in the midst of meeting his family, and him meeting mine and my friends. I just kept watching myself slip deeper and deeper into this hole I was digging, and soon I was going to not be able to dig out of it. So after a particularly immature, and ridiculous argument I sat with my thoughts and made a decision... it's now or never. It had been 6 weeks and I needed to call it before we got further into it. He was talking marriage proposals and having babies (and had been since date 1) . I admit, it is not my proudest moment.. but a bit before midnight I wrote him a message on Facebook. He lives roughly 35 miles away from me, does not have a car, and was asleep. If I waited to drive up for a face to face, i would've chickened out for fear of seeing him hurt, and him talking me out of it.... no. This needed to be done, forum be damned. So I wrote him a letter, told him the truth and waited.

I wish I hadn't put myself so willingly in front of a bullet. I'm not doubting his feelings for me were real, they obviously were... I mean.. he's treating this as if it were a divorce and we were together 6 years instead of 6 weeks. I've refrained from the mud-slinging as much as I have been provoked to stoop down to that level... I'm better than that. Luckily, I have friends behind me that will remind me that I am better than that. I won't post the nasty message I got from him in 3 parts, or the text message where he told me that I disgust him.. it's not worth it, and really it's no skin off my nose.

Moving forward....

What many don't know or maybe realize is that I never got over the person that  meant means the world to me... The Macho Man Randy Savage. I'm not even sure if he knows exactly what he does to my heart. I believe that things happen for a reason, and I don't believe that people are put into our lives without purpose. While I thought when it was ended that the purpose was served and the lesson learned, 4 months later I'm realizing that my heart isn't done there. I remember why we broke up, but I'm still bleeding for him. He was still bleeding for me a few weeks ago, but now I'm not sure. I've made an agreement with myself to be alone without looking for someone else for at least 2-3 months. If I'm still having these feelings that I'm having I'm going to let him know how I feel and see if there's anything still there and if we can try again. If not... then that's fine. I will know that I'm meant to go somewhere else. But I can't help but remember an answer that came to me one night whilst I was praying for answers... "It will be ok."

Until the fingers meet the keyboard again...
-Stephanie