but let's hope tomorrow won't cave in 'cause I'm looking for someone to change me

Well I sort of crossed over to the dark side for a little bit, and by dark side I mean Tumblr not sith lord. Truthfully, I don't feel as though Tumblr is made for the type of blogging I do here. Here, I put my feelings down, most of the time raw and not really processed. I don't care if anybody reads these. This is sort of my high-tech diary. Tumblr serves a slightly more vain purpose I think. You post and re-post things in the hopes that someone will "reblog" your quote you made up this morning while driving to work, or "like" your hilarious photo you found on memebase.com or simply "follow" you just because you posted a hilarious video of Kristen Wiig. At least, that's my purpose for Tumblr. You see, I never wanted to be the most popular girl in school....but I wanted to be liked. That's really all life is, isn't it? A series of trials and tribulation in that vain attempt to be liked. We are a selfish bunch, haha.

Anyway, the past few weeks I've been away from here I've been doing a lot of in-my-head thinking. As I said to someone today, "I'm always formulating, it's just that sometimes don't always come out together." I get jumbled and things don't flow well on paper....or screen for that matter. I've really come to the conclusion that I just have no idea what I want from someone on a romantic level. I sit and I think about the good things I had in relationships, and yes I want those....but I want more. I lay down and think about the bad things I went through in my relationships and no I don't want that again...but I'm gonna have different problems. What I want are the basics really... be kind, be loyal, be smart, be funny, and think I'm pretty awesome. It's the details I get a little fuzzy on. Oh well, I suppose I'll just know him when I see him. Right? Of course. A friend asked me how I was yesterday and I responded "aimless." And he said, "You can always hit the target the minute you stop aiming."   perfection.

Some odd things have happened thus far this week. I find my heart constantly re-visiting. Re-visiting every moment good and bad. Rather than looking on it painfully or wistfully she's re-evaluating it and attempting to see it for what it was. This is never a portion of my book that will end. This is one of those chapters that will have a question mark at the end of it for a while, until someone else helps me grab a pen. At the risk of beating a dead horse, I'll say it again, a little piece of me is always going to belong to him and vice versa. I think rather than closing the door on it, I should leave it cracked to let a little light peek in. I don't want to repeat mistakes that were made, and I certainly don't want to forget how I felt. Alive. Put together. Like I could punch anything that was put in front of me, and it would fall over. Invincible. I'm not hopeful or hopeless... I'm faithful. Whatever is meant to happen will, and what has happened was meant to. Life falls into place.

So I was in the shower just before I started writing this and I started singing a song I haven't listened to in maybe a year or more. And just as I started to sing the last line of the song. It dawned on me....this song has the most fitting lyrics for this last chapter in my life that I can't seem to close. It inspired me to write this. So I'm going to close with it:

you and me will forge some future because we don't want to be waiting
for something right to go wrong