Maybe I didn't really know you. Maybe you were just a mirage. Maybe the world is full of food and sex and spectacle and we're all just hurling towards an apocalypse, in which case it's not your fault.

I've decided that being off for a 3-Day weekend without any plans is really detrimental to my current state. Not sure why I thought it'd be any different, but honestly, I would've given anything to be at work any day after Saturday.

I find it increasingly difficult to believe that I'll get over him. Especially when life keeps holding this said carrot out in front of me like a tease. I had a missed call from him in the middle of the day on Friday, hence my ambiguous bloggage that day. It wasn't a pocket dial because I would've had pocket noise on my voicemail... so I texted him:
Me: "Did you butt-dial me?"
Him (an hour later): "No."
Me: "Weird. I had a missed call from you at 3:24 pm. Are you ok?"
Him: "Yes. Are YOU ok?"
Me: "Always"

God, I'm such a liar. I'm not ok. I'm sad. I don't want to miss him any more, I don't want to lie awake at night and wonder if he does the same. I don't want my heart to skip when I hear his name. I don't want to feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to cling to my pillows at night. I don't want to laugh alone, it only sounds hollow. I don't want to be bitter about those around me with working relationships.

I want to have inside jokes with more than just my friends. I want to feel like I have limbs again. I want to take a deep breath and feel like I have enough air. I want to share. I want to give. I want a hand to hold. I want to be able to watch movies like Say Anything and be able to finish them without wanting to beat my head against the wall because I want a Lloyd Dobbler-ish character to walk into my life. But most of all I want to be ready for this.

I just want this to pass.

I feel like I'm drowning in it. The more I sit here alone in this basement, the more my problems come back to smack me in the face. I f'd up my finances 3 years ago, and I'm still crawling out of the hole. I want to be a freakin' grown-up. I'm sick of feeling like nothing. Because now not only do I have no money, no place of my own, I don't have someone to share that with. I'm not used to dealing with these things alone. It's hard, and I just want to give in. I want to start that process of looking for someone else. But if I did, it wouldn't work. I'd still just be searching for distraction, and that's selfish and that's not me. I have to do this on my own. I know that I will make it. I have really awesome people around me. But I'm still missing that one person who's super awesome.


I thought I had him once.... but no. Stupid heart.