There's a Boy Who Turns My Head...

I've been wondering if we could look at the paths our lives take and the doors that open if we would just be so blinded by the many lines of color and dizzied by the crossing and zig-zagging that we would have to lay down to catch our breath. Certain situations that we go through as men and women leave me breathless and it also leaves me with great argument to those who think we were not Divinely created. Our emotions are so complex, and our hearts built with a hardening of stone, and then we can soften it into cotton at the mere laugh of a child, or hearing a sweet word, or an empathetic connection. How can we have evolved from tiny organisms into this body of intricate mechanisms and notions? I'm not sure enough time would've passed yet. 

This leads me to attempt to explain what's happening in my life. I'm a terrible blogger, as I don't keep up like I should, and apparently there are quite a few people who read these who don't "follow" me on blogger. For that, I'm extremely flattered and taken aback and would love to continue to keep my brain on track for you but again, it moves too fast for me these days. So a lot of you have come to me and asked what's going on and asking me who a certain someone is who continues to "blow up" my Facebook (i use blow up in the most endearing terms).  Well, if he were an adjective he would synonymous with "incredible", if he were a phrase it would be similar to "too good to be true", if he were an internet term it would be along the same lines as "amazeballs", if he were a character on TV he'd be close to Jim Halpert. In a simple term, he is good. 

I have been in a semi-dark place since my break-up. This one hurt. Before, I think I mostly felt guilty and like a failure because I stayed so long and it only got worse rather than better and the way it ended just made me feel like a terrible person. But I was given someone who built me back up from that, and though it ended on good terms, boy did it really break me up. I wanted so badly to be his everything, and I didn't take the time to see how dangerous and how ridiculous of  a notion that is. I have to take a step back and say "Stephanie, you cannot FIX people,especially when you are such a beautiful disaster yourself." He's a good person, but I can't fight that war he's got going on internally... not sure anyone can. But he holds a little piece of me, and definitely served a greater purpose that I thought he would in my life. I hope he can find a way to put himself back together, because right now he seems so fractured. 

So after a few weeks of mending my heart, then ripping the seam out again, and then mending it again, I had decided to take a break and be alone. My heart is too big to keep to myself so it's hard for me to be alone, I get overwhelmed. I had been on OkCupid just sort of rebounding and building myself up again, while still seeking potential in someone, so I disabled my profile and left unread messages in there one in particular from someone who I had eye-balled a day or so before because I thought he was cute, but decided not to contact because I was far too in disgust with myself to write anything worth while. But I didn't read it. Disabled. Traveled to Connecticut for a weekend road trip with a friend, exercised some demons, felt renewed, and my curiosity got the better of me, I really only wanted to read his message. So I did, I re-enabled and read his message and it just so happened his number was in there. I took it, put it in my phone, and waited a day (that's what you're supposed to do right?) I figured, if anything, he's cute and his personality interests me, at least in words. Since then (about a week ago now) it's been a non-stop barrage of text messages, phone calls, Facebook stalkings, and long nights just getting to know each other in a sharing of souls. I'll admit, I'm generally quick to judge (in my mind) on how I feel about someone and I like him. In fact, I'm quite smitten. But I'm not too sure I should be yet... not that there's a written rule about a waiting period because I believe you know when you're ready to fully move forward after a break-up. Your heart sends out tiny little signals, and before you know it you can't ignore what you're hearing. However, I did just go from literally crying 2 weeks ago about how I'm still not over the past, into feeling like a million dollars and about jump off a cliff again. So... huh? I'm pumping the brakes here, for his sake and mine. 

Here I'm being given someone who hits all the bullets on my checklist so far. He's well-rounded and has done a lot in his life, more than I have. He's funny and I can't name a conversation we've had where he hasn't said something that's tickled my funny bone. He's smart and we actually carry on real conversations beyond the 'what do you do for fun?' (my LEAST favorite question EVER). He's a bit of a nerd which I find insanely endearing and also leads us to hold intellectual conversations regarding the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (yes, I'm serious). He knows who he is and knows what he wants from life. Incredibly genuine and heartfelt when he speaks; there is nothing better than knowing when you're speaking to someone who is passionate about how they feel, it's like if you reached out you could touch their heart. So I'm being given this man who is just finding himself, and when he speaks it's almost like he's seeing the sun for the first time and feeling the wind on his face. He doesn't deserve a broken me. He deserves a complete me. So I'm spending 2 weeks just getting to know him before we even meet face to face, sooo unlike me. But I want to make sure I'm complete for myself, because no man should ever complete me, he should COMPLEMENT the person I am. So while I'm busy putting myself together, I've assured him I am worth the wait and he says he'll wait for the Second Coming if he has to. Which makes me smile just typing it. 

This could be the beginning of the great adventure... 

"My love is like a blanket
That gets a little bit too warm sometimes
I wanna wrap somebody in it
Who can hold me in his arms..."