Dear Heart,
I know I've put you through the ringer in the last 9 years. It seems as though when I first started using you, I really wanted to test your might and I guess that wasn't fair but you had a part in all of that too. But I know you can't help it. You and my brain usually get a long for the most part, but I know you have a lot more of a hard time letting go of things than she does. Her and her logic... I need you to help me with something. I know you're trying your hardest to scratch through the webbing I've made you put up around yourself the past 4 months. I didn't realize how thick it was.
I thought I had what I wanted at 19. I thought my life was going to fall into place if I just stuck it out through the bad, and focused on the good. I was wrong, and I forced you into making a decision I know you really didn't want to, but you knew it was right. We felt pretty guilty for a while, and undeserving of whatever happiness we thought we had or would come. I broke you a little bit. But all for the better, right? We learned a lot about what we could take, just how strong we were, and exactly how hard we could love.
It was at that point in our realization that someone new came along who made you look up from our lessons. He never had to say it, but you knew his heart was crying out for something that we could give. So I let you lead me down that path. It was good for the most part. But again, we gave all we had and put 110% into something that wasn't working. You weren't being fed or warmed the way you needed. So again, we had to walk away.
The puzzle pieces were starting to fit, and you had all the corners, and the picture was vaguely coming into view but we still couldn't quite make it out because we were missing middle pieces. Again, we dove into ourselves trying to figure out where things went wrong and why, trying to figure out how to not repeat the mistake of seeing the things we want, but ignoring the things that aren't feeding us. Vain attempts at searching for some quality in someone were made, and we got pretty disgusted with ourselves for a bit.
I've put my own spiderweb around you, attempting to keep you from harm, but allowing you to see outside. Right now, you can see something you like, and you want to latch on to it so bad. I can feel you in there pounding, arguing with me to help break away this netting I've entwined you in. I just don't want you hurt again. You have a 100% failure rate thus far at knowing what you want. You just enjoy the thrill of jumping off an edge without knowing what's at the bottom. I like it too, I can't blame you. I'd follow you to the end of the world, you know that. I promise I'll do my best to get you out of there, but for now we gotta move slowly. I'm pretty sure whatever I give you, is gonna be good this time. It's going to make all those things we've been through, we've cried over, screamed over, laughed over... it'll make those things worth it.
Don't worry, the brain is half on board. Yesterday, she finally saw the way he looks at us... like we light up the dark.
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