Yet another night passes where I can't find the courage to go to sleep. I'm not bothered by the chirp of the crickets outside my window, nor the "drip-drop" of the air conditioner. I'm not even bothered by the fact that I pretty much sleep on the floor since I moved back home and have been bitten by a spider on the face in my sleep, and am now pretty terrified of waking up to some sort of bug crawling on me... no, I'm just afraid to go to sleep. I don't want to have to dream again.
I used to dream of happier things, or just weird things, or not even remember the dreams at all upon waking up. But now I always dream of the same thing... the clothing is different and so is the weather but the premise and the plot are always the same, and so is the feeling of thundering emptiness.
I find myself walking down an alley-way, that I know to be behind my grandma's house, but it just seems to be consequential. As I'm walking the wind is gently rustling leaves in the trees, or sometimes on the ground, or sometimes stirring up snow. But when it's "winter" it's never cold...it's just filled with snow and I can see my breath but it's never cold to the skin. As I walk down the alley, the pit in my stomach gets heavier and I look up to find him standing there on a ledge or a roof of a garage, and he's looking down at me. I ask him what he's doing, and why doesn't he come down before he falls. And he just looks at me and says, "You're supposed to be here to catch me...." and he jumps.....
At this point I always wake up, so I'm never sure if I catch him or not. I've woken up with tears in my eyes on one morning.
I suppose I'm sitting here writing this hoping that getting it out of me, will actualy GET IT OUT OF ME. I fear this dream will plague me for quite some time and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to fear the Sandman. I feel like that 4 year old who's too old for naps during the day, but still wants to fight sleep at night because "the boogeyman" might get me. Oh well, I guess I'll see how long I can lay here before my eyes get too heavy and I cant stand it any more.
Goodnight.... ?
I would not expect these to dissipate quickly.. You've been through quite a bit. But try not to fear them. They are performing for you the same service they've performed for Humons since time immemorial. Your conscious mind allows you to shut yourself down.. as a defense mechanism.. so you can continue function & SURVIVE. But you can't lie to yourself in your dreams. The symbolism is meaningless. Freud was a senile coke head suffering from syphilis. But the feelins ARE important. Your dreams wont let you hide from yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh, And I'll command my spider minions to desist their attack immediately!! ^_^